What to Do If Someone You Care About Has a Gambling Addiction

As we go into tech earnings, some of you bears will be homeless or in prison soon. Here is a ranking guide to the different flavors of ramen to keep you until the next round of commissary or eviction notice comes in.
These ranks are subjective and personal opinion.
Not FINRA certified.
Last Place (Tie): Less Sodium Variety.
https://imgur.com/a/02XF5uo
Better off just adding less sauce packet to your noodle soup. You want that MSG to trick your brain into thinking that I ate a filling meal and I'm satisfied. You don't go to the White Castle and order a chicken salad. You're eating ramen for dinner for the 6th time this week after blowing up your Robinhood account are you really worried about heart disease?
Last Place (Tie): Chili
https://imgur.com/a/0FAbyEs
If you find this noodle soup spicy, stay away from Honey Nut Cheerios. If you go in expecting Hot Cheetos levels of addictive goodness, prepare to be sorely disappointed. The only thing burning will be your butthole after repeated abuse. What the fuck are they smoking in Irvine? Paprika doesn't make stuff spicy.
10: Roast Beef
https://imgur.com/a/bOPwlvJ
Nothing yells degenerate fuck like throwing some hotdogs into the roast beef ramen pretending that it's pieces of beef. It's as bland as it gets. The Monosodium Glutamate twerks on your taste buds like a Tik Tok Thot trying to make it on Onlyfans but somehow underperforms the classic regular beef flavor. Hard to find in a shelf because of Corona shortages but it's a far cry from a grail for ramenheads.
9: Creamy Chicken
https://imgur.com/a/ZkC9Ogf
If you enjoy alfredo and macaroni in cheese, this ramen comes in with a sledge hammer and says fuck your dreams. It tastes like Cheesasaurus Rex jizzed in your easy mac. Truly great if you're into that stuff. Your wife always knew in the back of her mind that Jason wasn't really your friend from College. Get back in there soldier.
8: Shrimp
https://imgur.com/a/LaMxxna
It tastes like your poor Japanese mom's coochie after a long shift at the swap meet. Artificial and yeasty, it's letting you know that you hit rock bottom. The minute you get a hint of depth with sesame oil, it drags you back in to remind that you're a crab in a bucket. Cup variety overperforms the package because it has real shrimp and vegetables.
7: Pork
https://imgur.com/a/SildaAK
This Ramen tastes nothing like the real Tonkotsu ramen. It actually doesn't contain any pork or pork fat either. I don't know what you were expecting when you bought those TSLA 600 weekly puts. Did you think you'll be touring the rolling hills of Roppongi with your gains? Welcome to Gary, Indiana. Fuck you and enjoy your stay.
6: Picante Chicken
https://imgur.com/a/WgafcN6
Taste comes close to the classic chicken flavor. Throw some taco seasoning and a hint of hot sauce on the original chicken and you have your picante chicken ramen. This isn't too bad. When the margin calls come in, maybe you can live in Mexico. Can be quite nice with Tapatio and leftover rotisserie chicken if you weren't so poor.
5: Beef
https://imgur.com/a/YYURI4f
A flavor so widespread that it's sold at Office Depot. The packaging taunts you with a piece of grilled sirloin and parsley leaves. You may get pieces of parsley depending on which region it was purchased. Not all ramen are created equal. What do you know, it actually tastes like beef broth. Solid option to last the nuclear winter.
4: Soy Sauce
https://imgur.com/a/QnVq7AA
Originally known as oriental before the name change, it is a workhorse ramen. It tastes like flavored soy sauce and some noodles. Throw in some fragrant vegetables like green onions and chives to take it to the next level. Being on welfare isn't so bad after all.
3: Chicken
https://imgur.com/a/AXHzrj0
Classic taste of College. How can you forget standing at the stove top smelling these cook at 3 in the morning. Salty chicken broth with savory undertones to help keep those Jaegerbombs down. Good times until you were kicked out for gambling your student loans. Turns out you can't declare bankruptcy on those. Papa Biden save me.
2: Lime Chili Shrimp
https://imgur.com/a/05UOEPq
Guarantee your Mexican partners love these. You would too if you would expand your horizons. You invest in the same 125 tickers and look where they got you. Eating ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If this is the case, try this one. Made in the San Antonio, TX factory for Maruchan, this thing delivers a kick with real habanero peppers. Slightly sour undertones of lime delivers a superb experience. You could even throw some grilled shrimps on top if those puts print. Maybe next tax year.
1: Roasted Chicken
https://imgur.com/a/LMRtrUO
You always wondered what tendies tastes like. Take that classic chicken flavor and add more depth. It is hard to find because of the pandemic but if your grocery store has these in stock, give this a go. This ramen is the grail. The soup is chicken broth mixed with, powdered cooked chicken, and chicken fat. Powdered turmeric, garlic, onions, and chives. It's an excellent snack even if you're not a bear struggling to make ends meet.

got asked to make this it’s own post, so i did. For reference, keep in mind I’m 28F (so split between them age wise) and was an athlete in undergrad though not in a sport anyone cared about cause who tf cares about track
Friendship break ups are really hard, especially for women in their 20’s.
For women, that time period is usually the first times they’re actually enabled to make our own decisions, including through sexual empowerment. Freedom from your parents. Your female friendships are often therapeutic in this setting, as they’re the first people who really “understand” you. ESPECIALLY if you’re at a school with casual hook up culture, female friendships can especially protect you from being drugged while you navigate the novelty of casual sex under various substance influence.
At least from the outside perspective, this is how it seems: disclaimer this is psychoanalytical af no I don’t think I’m “definitely” right

• Sofia struggled with substance abuse and mental health in relation to work in capitalism and leaving a conservative rural area for a big city/culture shock where she could finally fit outside of the minute role she felt existed for her in her hometown. Just leaving the environment didn’t negate the years of negativity, or feeling like an “outsider” or “bad influence”
  
• Sofia’s substance abuse started young, in childhood, making her particularly vulnerable to being taken advantage of in these contexts later in life. (Or able to disregard healthy behavior because it’s suspicious to you because you grow up thinking and knowing you won’t be accepted and flaunting “healthy” behavior in conservative cultures only shames normal, human reactions. As a woman who is sexually empowered, especially from a young age, there is a strong will to rebel. Or just not care. To then disregard a lot of “rules” because the ones setting them no longer have your respect. Purity culture especially makes women more at risk because sexual freedom is conflated as “high risk” behavior)
  
• Alex came from d1 athlete mentality, which, imo is always a little toxic. You don’t play at those levels or have that drive without taking negative motivating factors and channeling them into fuel on the field.
  

However, sports psychology is poor. Sports psychology for women even more so.
Female sports don’t command money (in part because we engrain that in our culture)
For a female athlete in college, you’re raised on a pedestal by other collegiate members (“narps”)
Then, you leave college and are pretty much on a level playing field, because that national prestige or ability to remain an athlete and be profitable isnt as realistic or available for women (yet?/it probably shouldn’t be a huge goal to play a game for a living just saying. The other work environments and hours shouldn’t be so shitty that’s the only version of happiness you can imagine but i digress)
Alex happened to leave college and be an athlete’s girlfriend. An athlete within baseball, whose wives’ club mentality is one of the most misogynistic (my brother went back to back to back national championship games in baseball in college. The fan base is incredibly white as it relates to America’s pastime and racism). I’ve posted before about the overlaps in barstools culture with this.
Alex had fuel coming in from needing to be better than her ex. She has fuel in general, as most athletes do, from needing to be better than XYZ. Track is actually helpful in that regard because it’s always racing against yourself, ultimately. Your own PRs. But for soccer, what happens when you no longer have a field to play on? Who are your new opponents? Where is your team?
Sofia and Alex’s friendship came at the cusp of their combined lowest mental points. On a time when they were essentially on their own. They had had to be solo and strong because of their circumstances, mentally and fiscally to an extent (even if they ultimately had parental support or pressure to fall back on). In the process of building CHD, they built each other up, and used their tragedies and lack of caring about other’s mentalities to show it was profitable, smart, and powerful to be a sexually empowered female in a male world.
That’s what so many of us wanted. (Literally the Tyra Banks meme “we were all rooting for you!” Comes to mind) especially for collegiate aged women, sexual empowerment and discussion is NEW and still very culturally based. Women can be sexual but only privately versus men can discuss sexual conquests openly and aren’t thought poorly of if it doesn’t work out with a partner. You don’t assume something is “wrong” with them. You don’t remind them “their clock is ticking”. Hypersexuality is part response to purity culture and likely a response to a heavy atmosphere of sexual trauma and being casual towards it is destigmatizing it inwardly.
But money corrupts.
Power corrupts more so.
Combine both with Alex internalizing that the brand that gave her so much power and happiness and joy to work, during a dark period of her life, as a tangible result of how she was better (than her exes, everyone that’s wronged her, etc) as potentially being taken away from her by sofia (in the deal on the rooftop), versus by Dave (who was very manipulative in his “I keep 100% of the IP and all of your stories and all of YOUR content”) and this is where the break down in how they responded comes in:

• Alex was in it for the money and recognition. She wanted celebrity status, not as justification for herself, but as justification for the attention from others. She was willing to do whatever she wanted to get that. Hopefully, with time, she’ll have a “moment of recognition” in how her actions were, but as long as she keeps carelessly traveling idgaf (I’m an epidemiologist, I have no sympathy for celebrity status right now. Tbh I don’t listen to CHD but I still follow the subreddit and listen to SWAF)

Can we blame her? Isnt that a facet of current sporting culture? Do you actually expect someone who has grown up in the wings of the public eye, whose parental role models were in sporting culture, to not embrace that spotlight? Particularly when her ex who caused her pain has that spotlight and is somebody’s version of a sex symbol? Why can’t she want it for herself?

• but Sofia just wanted validation for HERSELF. As proof that she and who she is as a person was still valuable, that she was still worthy of acknowledgment. That the pain of her substance use and mental health was for a greater purpose. That she could share it and help people, not just profit from them. It’s clear with her guest quality and the work she’s done since going solo.
  
• Maybe Alex also felt pressure in their friendship and business relationship to be Sofia’s healer. To always be the one caring for her, making sure she got home okay, and maybe that was exhausting even if it was a role she enjoyed playing. I often feel like I’m “heavy” for my friends to “put up with” because of my anxiety and PTSD. I don’t like to put pressure on living with them, which reduces my issues, because of this.
  

Alex ALSO has mental health issues, and the combination of living and working with someone else struggling with something so heavy and not having a medically appropriate background to know how to help was likely incredibly toxic for their friendship.
I’m sure it made some great content, but it was clear they didn’t embody or encourage healthy behavior.
Their own healing is going to be subjective. It’s not going to coincide. It’s not going to operate on the same scales or in the same direction and they’ll need different things. Such as separation when one person no longer serves you.
My therapist reminded me “just because someone was a good friend to you at one point in your life doesn’t mean they still are”

• Maybe this is more obvious with knowledge of CHD production behind the scenes. If Alex has constantly been just a figurehead and spoke openly about others stories and content, then to her what she’s doing now is no different. She’s being rewarded by her boss saying “yes keep acting this way. Money is flowing in. Do whatever you want.” So why would she stop? That’s who is paying her bills. That’s who ultimately gave her the “freedom” and show that she wanted to just be herself

To her, it’s the same thing. Especially if she had frequent ghost writers. It was never her content to begin with. Which, ultimately, makes her just a sex symbol for a male dominated gaze who may very well be financially compensated adequately (NOW) but is ultimately manipulated for the entertainment of others. If that’s your whole life, and what you’ve always done... who are you?
Like with child stars or actors in general, you feed off energy i imagine. Extroverted people are almost more vulnerable to social coercion than others. To me, this enables them to be more susceptible to thriving off external validation and avoid the reality of who they are and that they don’t like themselves internally/struggle with who they are as a person (or just don’t know who they are without XYZ existing. If you’ve always been in sports, especially one single sport, your identity is tied to that. You don’t have the time or energy to question who you are. It takes years after graduating or being removed from that atmosphere to do so.) Alex now has money, time, and comes from rich white privilege. She likely will never have people who tell her it’s okay to struggle, because it seems like her family and general friend group is the “everything is fine. Here’s some money. Look! You can travel. You turned out okay”
I’m sure she’ll have a time period later in life where she has this recognition.
However, the CHD brand was built around the symbolism of a female friendship.
Of female empowerment in a patriarchal world.
The sexual empowerment worked because, at the end of the day, you had this community of people who understood you were just trying to figure out yourself and willing to laugh with you at your negativity. Not laughing at you. A community of people who were able to embrace, applaud, and financially reward you for sexual prowess when you’ve been told to dim it your entire life “to be taken seriously”. A community who LIKED the self deprecation because it was RELATABLE because we likely ALL have or know someone with sexual trauma related to drinking/college culture and dating is hard and flaunted like you’re always supposed to be in a relationship, especially if you’re attractive 🙄
Abiding to the influencer brand of how CHD has gone since “the break up” and how Alex has people like Tana—who exploit their childhood abuse, not so they can learn how to be healthier and live happier lifestyles or draw attention to substance abuse, but so they can continue to party in LA with idiotic “celebs” whose only contribution to the community positively is through money. Who go riot malls for YouTube material. Who are stuck in their own cycles of abuse and unhealthy behavior but vlog about the glamour and think “talking about it” is the same thing as “healing” because they won’t go to actual therapy even though they can afford it now. Who don’t realize they’re desensitizing themselves to the trauma by letting random men they barely know choke them out versus addressing how fucked up it was that they were raped as a child, or that their parents couldn’t protect them, or that they needed validation or father figures and only got it from their peers and just wanted an escape from reality and now need one ALL THE TIME. Who dont realize those people they think embrace them won’t embrace them when they’re sober and actually healthy, because it reminds them of how they’re not. But it’s scary to recognize that and you internalize it as not being loveable versus being brought up in unhealthy environments and not knowing better.
Maybe with time, Alex will look back and realize the strength of female friendships lies in being there for each other in darkest times because humanity definitely doesn’t have your back.
In the USA, 1 in 5 women are or will be attempted to be raped in their lifetime, over 80% have been sexually harassed.
And yet, prostitution is not legal. Birth control is not freely accessible. Universal healthcare and comprehensive sexual education is not nationally mandated so a lot of people may never realize just how fucked up their circumstances are. Education is often unaffordable and inaccessible for those who most need it. Sexual harassment is so normalized that we voted in a president despite him being a rapist pedophile. And 55% of white women tried to vote him in again. The visual leader of the Barstool brand endorsed him openly.
Sofia wanting to distance herself from a brand and drinking culture, at a company currently breaking into alcohol and gambling exploitation, on the basis that the majority of their fan base may not have done it otherwise, but will because they now have access to it (like with how Juuls target teenagers with flavoring and people who wouldn’t have normally smoked have nicotine addictions now) as well as FINALLY being paid adequately, YET was labeled as “greedy” mainly because Alex stayed instead of trusting Sofia and sticking with her.
We normalize competition in the sense that most people are competing for just the right to live, for acknowledgment that the things they went through matters. It’s why working classes are currently pitted against each other and conservative Republicans think progressive policies are sure to doom the USA because Fox News says so. So instead of making our citizens stronger overall, we keep half of them convinced that healthcare should be debated, an educated population isnt good on a global scale, and that change ISNT possible even though societies are supposed to adapt that’s literally how progress works. We have research that shows us why we should do it and instead capitalism made education so elite that we distrust intelligence or condemn it as “liberal education”.
So do I blame Alex for her inability to recognize that when she thought she was going to lose the brand that made that feasible for her? Maybe not.
Do I think Sofia got fucked mentally, friendship-wise, and culturally and Alex enabled and fed into it? Absolutely.
Even if CHD was always the “Mean Girls” mentality and didn’t ever really offer advice, Alex embodied “Regina George” and Sofia was “Cady Heron” in its time.
Good female friendships are awesome, and hard to come by in a world that makes it so and makes you convinced you have to somehow compete for these men when the bar is on the actual ground for chivalry and women just want men who won’t scream or yell at them, will communicate, and will explore sexually in the bedroom without stigmatizing them or making them feel bad for their bodies.
Shout out to anyone who read my dissertation.
I’ve been in quarantine on a farm working remote contracts for almost a year now. I’ve also watched a lot of LOTR in the past week and barstool and Dave is going a very “Sauron” way and Alex embodies “saruman” vibes to me, for another allusion.

"Couples on Surviving Trauma and Loss: Five partners whose love has endured seismic changes, from refugees forced apart by war to a couple left with horrific injuries"
The first two stories in the article are legit: a couple in a terrible car accident and a couple separated by the Sudanese civil war. Then things start going to hell and get worse and worse. All of the things that FDS warns against are here: codependency, gaslighting, lying, cheating, excuse-making, blame shifting, martyrdom. Women continue to be conditioned to accept sub-par treatment by these kinds of narratives. The ladies of FDS refuse to help relationships "survive trauma" that is LITERALLY CREATED BY THE MAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND HIS SELFISH AND OVERALL TERRIBLE DECISIONS.

‘I was in prison for 2,192 days; she wrote to me almost daily’

Laure, 58, and Jerry, 62, survived his jail sentence for causing death by dangerous driving. They live in Alabama, and now run a support network for the families of prisoners.
Laure Jerry and I met in 1995 and married four months later. I tell him all the time I would marry him again, but faster. We’d both been married twice before and dating was the last thing I was looking for. But he ticked all the boxes.
I had two daughters and he had one. We moved our family from Tennessee to Alabama, to raise them in the country. We were living the dream. But on 17 March 2003, it was shattered when Jerry caused a head-on car collision which killed a young mother. He had been driving drunk.
I felt rage, betrayal. When we met, we were both recovering alcoholics, so I had only known him sober. Now a life had been lost. I didn’t want him dead, but I wanted him to hurt real bad. We lived in a small town, and I grieved for that family. I felt embarrassment. I had to get to the forgiveness part quickly so I could get through each day.
Jerry spent 10 days in the ICU. He pleaded guilty to manslaughter and was sentenced to six years in prison and 19 on probation. I was scared – emotionally, practically, financially, spiritually. I wanted to stay married but didn’t know how. I didn’t know what you do when someone you love is in prison.

His first year home, we argued all the time. I’d put my hand on his shoulder and he’d push it away

I wrote to him almost every night. I could afford one dollar-a-minute phone call a week and petrol for the 100-mile drive to visit every two weeks. I felt a lot of anger in those first years. I remember burying the cat, crying, saying, “This is a dad job.” I tried to experience the girls’ graduations for both of us.
His first year home, we argued all the time. I’d put my hand on his shoulder and he’d push it away; he was still in survival mode.
We’re grandparents now and enjoy our family immensely. We run a support network for prisoner families, called Extended Family. I started it six months into his sentence.
Jerry will still say, “You stayed with me all those years,” but I don’t think of it that way. I’m not going to make him do the dishes for the rest of our lives. We spent six years without each other; we don’t want to spend another minute apart.
Jerry On our first date, I took Laure and her daughters to see Cinderella at the theatre. When I got home, I wrote “She’s the one” on the back of the programme.
We had a good life. I had a small engineering business, work grew busy, and we moved cities. But I was in a mess. I got into narcotics but hid it from my family. The night of the accident, I had stopped at a liquor store. I was in a blackout. Moments later, a young woman was dead and I was airlifted to hospital. I was shocked, remorseful, disheartened.
My wife has a big and kind heart. I tried to protect her from the police investigation and the likelihood of prison. I didn’t want our girls walking around with the stigma of a dad who had killed someone.
In Alabama, incarceration is uncontested grounds for divorce, but there was never a question of Laure leaving me. On an early prison visit, I told her I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to leave. She looked at me and said, “I’d be more miserable than I am now.” I’ll never forget it.
I was in prison for 2,192 days and she wrote to me almost daily. There were guys that got nothing. I felt blessed and honoured. She would arrive every two weeks and I would put on a smile. But I pitied myself; I felt useless, unable to provide for my family.
When I came home, I was harsher than before. Meanwhile, this woman I loved had blossomed. I had to adjust. There’s a not a day that I don’t pay for my disastrous decision in some way, shape or form. We worked through the mess I made together, and we’re closer because of it.

‘It was a form of gaslighting. He led a double life’

Keith, 59, and Claire, 57, survived his gambling addiction. They live in Sussex.
Keith Claire and I had known each other in the 80s, and reconnected online 20 years later. Claire was living abroad, and I was on my way to broke. She’d make short trips to the UK, and we’d laugh through days out and long lunches. She was intelligent, full of life; a better person than I was.
I first entered a casino at 16. By 18, I’d borrowed, conned and stolen from everyone I knew. I was an addict. Through adulthood, I’d made and lost small fortunes and entire businesses. I’d play Monopoly for real money, or sit in a room of the club I owned, drinking brandy, snorting as much cocaine as I could.
I wasn’t a constant drug user or gambler. When Claire visited, I’d try to keep it together; but then I’d get desperate and make excuses to go to London for “work”. When she moved to the UK with her three kids in 2009, I’d disappear into a room of the home we shared for days, in a heady state of gambling, drugs and porn, too embarrassed to re-emerge. I had intermittent spells in Gambling Anonymous, but I found it hard to ask for help.
Claire paid for the house and put food on the table. I never stole from her, but I’m still surprised she didn’t walk out. By 2014, I’d had a heart attack and was nursing my mother, who had cancer. I would drive her to the hospital every day, off my tits, bring her home, make her food, then shut myself in another room and gamble online.
I couldn’t see myself in the mirror any more. I wanted to die. On 28 June 2014, I logged on to a website for people seeking affairs and used it for porn. That decision would almost end us: when Claire discovered the website in her search history, she sent me a Dear John letter. The next day, she drove me to residential rehab. The only rule I broke there was asking her to spend one night. I had to save the relationship.
I’ve been clean for six years now; Claire is part of the reason why. People talk about languages of love. For me those are quality time, acts of service. Boy, were there acts of kindness and service from Claire. Without her, I could well be dead.
Claire I was 18, and a poor student, when I first met Keith. He seemed glamorous, exciting, funny, intelligent. He was also a known gambler, but when we reconnected years later, that appeared to be in his past. Yet, with hindsight, nothing about the start of our relationship makes sense.
When I visited, he’d urgently have work or disappear into a room for days at a time. I’d spend hours on edge, struggling to trust him, but he would rationalise his behaviour, omitting huge details, claiming he’d simply drunk too much. It was a form of gaslighting. He led a double life.

When Keith decided on residential rehab, I knew that if I didn’t support him, there was no future

The first time I confronted him, I’d found an empty drugs packet, but he lied his way out of it. I became scared to ask, although we both knew he needed help. When his mother was unwell, he had the perfect alibi. He was an addict but he was responsible – and he took exquisite care of her. I was fearful but I had to get on with life.
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When Keith decided on residential rehab, I knew that if I didn’t support him, there was no future. I didn’t want significant time apart, but when an addict is serious about making changes, you have to put your own needs aside.
The most soul-destroying moment came when I found the affairs website. I had been betrayed by gambling and drugs, but my belief in the purity of our love had kept me going. I wrote to him saying it was over. From rehab, Keith proved to me it was only curiosity (there was no activity on his account), and I was open enough to reconciliation to visit him.
Emotionally, we’re more independent now, although we share bank accounts and he supports us financially. I’ve grown, too. I used to tell friends that Keith felt like an addiction to me. I’d waited years for a stable home life together: eventually, he walked the most difficult path in order to truly change.

‘Friends saw us as the perfect couple, but it was a lie’

Maryam, 31, and Amir, 33, survived his affair. They live in California.
Maryam When Amir had an affair, I had a thousand reasons to leave but looked for the one to stay. Our relationship had started as an affair, too. We had been couple-friends in our previous marriages and used to hang out as a group of four. Then, in February 2017, Amir and his wife broke up and he came on a trip with my husband and me. One night, we were up late, talking, while my husband slept. Amir opened up about his marriage and I began to sense he had feelings for me. I had relationship problems, too, and we started an affair. I ended my marriage.
Over the next 18 months, friends came to see us as the perfect couple. They would comment on how loving our relationship was. But I couldn’t forgive myself for how we’d started, and his divorce was a mess. He spent nights with his ex. I broke up with him several times. Things looked great on the surface but we both carried unresolved pain.
By the end of 2019, I became suspicious of his relationship with a co-worker. She was too intimate at the Christmas party and he was jumpy when she called. Then I found a credit card charge to a cafe, clearly for two people.

I loved him deep down but anger overwhelmed me. He asked over and over for a chance to prove he could change

It took me 10 days to get the full details from him. It had been going on for months and they’d slept together six times. I couldn’t breathe; I felt stupid. Everything that had gone before felt like a lie. I left him.
Amir telephoned non-stop and showed up at my parents’. I loved him deep down but anger overwhelmed me. He asked over and over for a chance to prove he could change. Eventually, I agreed to give him three months. We started individual and couples’ therapy and talked through every detail of our relationship. I couldn’t bear to sleep in the same room as him, but I could look at his face again. I agreed to more time.
I see the consistency and changes Amir has made, his commitment. When I discovered his affair, I was ready to give up on our relationship, but we have both grown. No one knows what the future holds and I have my fears. But, right now, I love the way he loves me.
Amir Maryam was the first time in my life I felt real love. But we were both married and I told myself it couldn’t happen.
As time passed, my ex-wife had an affair and my marriage died. Maryam had problems, too, and I made my feelings known. I admired her looks, the way she thinks. This wasn’t a game that I’d started; it was coming from the bottom of my heart.
I was born in the Middle East, in a war zone. As a child, I experienced sexual and physical abuse at the hands of my teacher, but told no one. The human psyche finds soothing mechanisms to alleviate pain. For me, that was sex.
I was in the most loving relationship with Maryam. The sex was amazing. We bought a house, enjoyed travelling. But the foundations were shaky and I unconsciously sought more.
When I got close to a co-worker, it turned into an affair, starting in May 2019 and lasting several months. It was pure sexual desire. This wasn’t someone I wanted to change the course of my life. We were opportunistic and, in those moments, I became blind to the consequences.
When Maryam found out, I tried to lie. I was naive about how much I was going to hurt her. She wanted nothing to do with me. She blocked my calls and texts, and told our family and friends all the details. Everyone who loved me looked at me as a monster. For the first time in my life, I started to wake up.
I made fixing myself and our relationship my only priority. I promised Maryam she would see a change, and started intense therapy, twice a week. I addressed my childhood trauma and sought support for sex addiction. I realised how much I was willing to do for Maryam.
At the beginning, it was simply about keeping Maryam; but it transformed into strengthening our bond. She has made sacrifices for me, been my guide and love. Every day, I’m more appreciative.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jan/30/couples-on-surviving-trauma-and-loss

Previous post https://www.reddit.com/cheating_stories/comments/k0okky/update_7_5_days_since_i_served_my_stbxw_30f_of_7/
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Its been an interesting week. This is a long one, but i have gotten so much help from here i feel obligated to share the current status and what i have learned so far.
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I have moved back to my house with the kids. Sue also moved back inn a few days ago. Mom and Dad is with us during the day and helps out a lot.
Kids are doing well considering everything but they are naturally shaken up.
Their parents basically disappeared for 2 weeks while they where parked with their grandparents.
I wish i handled the 2 first weeks better for the sake of my kids but i just couldn't. I was totally lost and Its been very hard to get back out of the hole i got stuck in.
Getting back with the kids has helped me find a lot of strength i didn't even know i had.
I am doing well, i am happy to inform everyone that i am in control of my faculties.
There is still a shitt load of pain and trauma to work through but i manage it very well now.
I am more sure of myself, i feel confident and positive for the future.
I am systematic and very detail focused by nature. It helps me to maintain a detailed journal. Actually for the both of us at the moment, Me and Sue. It helps us dig deep into one and one issue.
We have a dedicated 1 hour session where we talk every day. During this we try to understand and prioritize the issues we need to discuss. We also put things on ice for dealing with later if we cant find a good solution or resolution for now.
This 1 hour allows us to have some energy left to spend with the kids watching tv, playing schoolwork, etc. 1 hour is pretty exhausting, when we are brutally honest, so we limit it for the moment. It allow us to disconnect after the session and We have made some good new memories, all of us together.
This has helped us so much! I highly recommend this if you are working with a partner in a difficult situation like this.
It naturally creates a plan of attack and allows us to fully work through issues with determination and a little bit of emotional distance. If we don't finish we just continue the discussion the next day.
​
Me and the kids have also talked a lot and we have been to IC for each of them plus family therapy with me and the boys. The last session also included Sue.
Sue struggled with the session. She is drowning in shame and guilt at the moment so i guess we need to be patient.
Sue has been out of the hospital for a few days and is better off living at the house with the rest of us. Before you guys pile on me to kick her out,,,. I will not kick out the unemployed mother of my children in the middle of a pandemic.
I think about it this way, when my kids are grown and they ask me about this period i want to be able to be proud of most of my behavior.
I find its also very helpful to think about things long term. It helps me see past the overwhelming immediate pain and lets me set targets to aim for.
Sue is in daily therapy and has been diagnosed with mild PTSD. Her therapist is sure she is no longer at risk of terminating herself.
Kids have enjoyed having her at home, they missed their mother of course. She seams stable and i think staying together is the best option for her and everyone at this point.
​
Lets get one of the main issues out of the way, I have decided that the divorce will go through.
​
The Deciding argument actually came from a PM dialogue i had with a self proclaimed lesbian feminist. The discussion included a lot of nonsense about patriarchy and historical oppression, but she had some good arguments about my wife being a grown woman and therefor having agency.
She praised me a lot for allowing my wife to make her own choices actually. ??? Even if those choices where stupid...
I actually regret not confronting Sue harder earlier, but i wasn't in a good place mentally and i didn't make all the best choices. Its easy to se a better path in hindsight.
The talk with the feminist was at times confusing, but the closing argument was: If this was a married gay couple with 2 males would anyone question the agency of the partners? The ws or the bs? The answer to that is no so i will treat my wife like she has agency to make her own choices and let her face the consequences from those.
I have accept that my wife made a choice to do this, it made perfect sense to her, its what she wanted at the time.
It was a stupid choice but people make stupid choices every day, they drink and drive, they commit stupid acts and in all cases. If they are exposed, there will be negative consequences of such bad choices.
​
I have looked hard into myself and here is what i have accepted.
I cant reconcile Sues actions with the woman i believed her to be.
The hard truth is, I dont know this woman that used to be my wife. I just dont trust her anymore and i cannot remain married to a person i dont feel i know or trust.
Its absolutely devastating to Sue but she accepts and understands my decision.
​
She has offered everything to me in the divorce. All our assets, house, cars full custody.
I have said a hard no to that. We will divide assets fairly and she will automatically regain 50/50 custody once she is ok with it, and is declared ok for this by her psychiatrist.
She has also insisted that i find some woman and have an affair with her, i will not do that. I am not really interested in getting into another relationship. I feel i have enough on my plate.
Secondly i think Sue wants this, primarily because she believes this will easy her guilt.
I on the other hand don't see how bringing more pain and confusion into this situation will help anything.
Also i don't have the right to bring an innocent third party into this painful mess.
​
She has also offered full access to everything, complete transparency, and to not do anything without my permission.
But i dont want to be her warden or her jailer. If she wants to show me, fine she can, but i will not monitor her like i have done. Building trust is on her now.
I don't want to hate Sue, i am angry with her. But i know i need find a way past that.
I want our kids to have their mother in their life. Regardless of the final outcome of this.
We had a good life up until recently. I am grateful for the time we had, and we both love our children.
​
The day after the meeting in the hospital, me and the wife started communicating electronically.
We agreed that the best way to open the dialogue was for Sue to author a letter for me.
The letter would detail everything she has done while we have been together. Everything about her friends, how it started with Frank. Everything up until the day she sat down to type this all out. Her desires, wants, fears, needs, drives, etc.
​
Oh before i forget... We found out Frank has left the country. He has transferred money back, or at least the half that belongs to his wife. So Franks wife is ok.
Turns out Franks own mother hired a PI to track him down Monday. She was worried about him, plus very angry. His mother will not tell us where he is, only that he is in a different country.
Frank has agreed to a uncontested divorce, and will not be back any time soon.
From what i have been told, one of the betrayed husbands apparently threatened Frank on Saturday. But i don't know, its mostly hearsay and rumor at this point.
​
Sue's letter shows the process Sue went through to get to a point where she could justify to herself having an affair. I was surprised to learn that It actually started over 3 years ago.
It was incredibly hard for me to read, but it felt honest, very honest.
A woman from their school friend group, lets call her Betty, that moved away at 18 had moved back to the area around 4 years ago with her family.
Betty started an affair with an ex from school. She would wax on about how great it was. How they would sneak off to spa hotels, bla bla. How nobody got hurt because they didnt know bla bla. How she deserved it, bla bla. How the cheating actually made her a better wife, bla bla.
Basically every cheating excuse in the book. I have learned that a total of 4 women in the group have cheated on their husbands in addition to Sue. 2 of them each had short affairs that terminated after the first physical meeting. Betty had multiple long term affairs over the years. One other woman had a 7 month affair that just ended. She joined Betty in the promotional efforts for the benefits of affairs when she started hers 7 months ago.
From what i hear 3 husbands have already decided to file for divorce.
​
I have been trying to understand my wifes actions to see if there is something i missed.
Its been hard to accept, but her actions in regards to the affair seams to have nothing to do with me.
She has explained how Life became monotone and the affair became a fantasy that grew over the years. A fantasy escape of sorts from day to day life. When Frank showed an interest she got trapped in it. The rush, the excitement.
She never really considered the consequences, or that it would hurt me or her family. It was never her intention. She got obsessed with getting her fix and it took more and more risk to get it.
Her cheating friends egged her on while her loyal friends spoke against it, but didnt insist.
​
I have talked a lot to Sues and her therapist. I have understood that i need to think a little differently about this. its not black and white. There are many additional variables and nuances to consider, not just my own perception, hurt and ego.
Once i realized that i need to take time to fully reflect on this before i decide anything my stress levels have gone way back, almost back to normal.
Several therapists have explained it to me in the mental framework of this type of compulsive, addictive behavior.
I have also talked to a lot of WW and BS, (thank you so much for answering all my stupid questions.) I am starting to better understand this now.
This does not excuse Sues actions but it makes it a little understandable in some ways. I can comprehend it. This doesn't mean i forgive or forget it though.
Like everyone knows, smoking is bad, drinking is bad. Exorcising regularly is important, junk food hurts you etc.
People know these things, still they do them all their lives. Look at the lung cancer ward with dying patients still smoking outside.
I understand Its a similar reaction in Sues brain in relation to this affair. An affair became a fantasy, the excitement of it became an addiction. Like a kind of adrenaline junkie.
​
At the hotel Frank had just started to give her oral after some initial touching/kissing and they where only a few minutes into it when i crashed reality into her fantasy world.
Sue has confessed that she was going to go all the way.
After reality hit, she became desperate to fix it, it was all she could think about. It explains her behavior a bit after D-day.
When she read the reddit posts and lost hope that she could fix anything she just couldnt deal with it. she tried to end it. S
he has admitted that if the shoe was on the other foot she would leave me. So at least i know she is being honest.
I seriously doubt she would cheat again. She got scarred for life. Now she just cannot understand herself, why she did this.
Now I see Sue as i would look at someone with a gambling addiction. I don't respect that kind of weakness, but i believe people can change.
I am no quire boy myself and experimented with drugs back in the day. I got out of it when somone gave me chance, so i will see if Sue can deal with her issues with my help.
To be honest I think the shock of it cured her of that vice.
​
That brings me to the future. I will give Sue an opportunity to first re-gain my respect and then maybe, just maybe my trust.
If she re-gains my respect and trust i will consider starting to date her again.
Sue seams to be very motivated by this and is clearly putting inn a lot of effort.
I have made it clear that this is on her to do this, she will have to prove it to me.
​
She has already had one of the betrayed husbands over and explained everything to him. Then she invited his wife over. Her former friend. And told her that she had explained everything to her husband.
Lots of yelling ensued, but she stood firm and admitted her role in it. That took guts. She did the right thing.
She has also apologized and talked to Franks wife, they sort of hit it off actually, they where joking about Franks weaknesses over several glasses of vine. It was all kind of strange to me, Bizarre even... I listened from the hallway. Frank was not painted in a flattering light to put it that way.
Is this something women do? Bond over ripping into a common x?
​
Sue has asked the remaining betrayed husbands if they want the same information for them.
​
We had Betty at our door yesterday begging Sue not to tell her husband. Betty wanted Sue to agree to a "light version" or she was sure her husband would leave her.
My wife refused her request, Bettys husband is coming over for dinner this evening. Sue promised he will get the full unfiltered truth. Its safe to say Sue and Betty are no longer friends.
​
She has been flooded by messages from the other cheaters, and she has refused them as well.
The loyal wives have made requests for Sue to meet their husbands to reassure them and she has agreed to this as well. I guess she knows who her friends are now.
​
I actually made a big spreadsheets of my choices and options. Its a gigantic mess, measuring the pros and cons.
What is best for the kids, what is the benefits of this and that. What is the negative side of this and that.
For example there is no guarantee that a new girlfriend would be any more faithful, there is no guarantee i would find a new partner compatible with my kids, ect, etc, etc.
All in all i come to the conclusion that my best choice for now, especially for the kids, is to take my time and see if Sue makes any progress. I need to see that she can get to a point where we can try to build a new relationship. The one we have is dead. Still it was a good one on so, so many levels. Maybe we could have that again? Maybe it will fail? Who knows?
I am not in a rush and if i think its futile I will act. Until then we can practice co-parenting and find ways to remain at least cordial.
I am not a perfect husband or human be any stretch. I have many flaws just like everyone else. I will keep this in mind whenever i feel i am in a position where i have to judge Sue moving forward.
So this is probably my last activity here, maybe i will do another update in a year or 2. I cannot thank the reddit community enough. thank you for all your help.
I know that in the end its up to me to decide and thankfully you all set time aside to help me reflect more broadly.

Dear pal,
I am not a very good friend I've realized, and I feel ok with that. To clarify, I don't mean I am proud of it. It is more that I acknowledge that I am flawed, but I am ok with that.
I am flawed and I am ok with that. This is a new breakthrough for me. A huge milestone.
I've been so angry for so long at so many things, and that anger has had no healthy outlets for many years. That anger, with everything else back then, made me very mentally ill. This has taken a massive toll on my life in so many ways. It makes me fear how I will function in my 50's or 60's, it is easily one of my worst fears and greatest challenges in this life.
I made huge changes in my life for the chance of psychological rehabilitation, it wasn't a guarantee, it was easily the riskiest thing I had to do in my life, and yet the most meaningful.
I hate gambling, I was never a fan. I am glad I never developed this addiction at least. But this at least was one bet that I won.
Struggling with all of this stress and fear for 7 years, to earn this much healing in my life, has made me a bit self absorbed, a bit needy I think. I want to be more independent and more able to help others. I try to earn this as much as I can every single day.
I want to heal more so I can be a better friend, a better partner, a better person.
Even if it doesn't look like it, I am constantly burning myself out as I try to keep up with even just basic tasks around the house. It is improving, but it is very humbling.
There is something very humbling about losing things you didn't think you could lose. This is a humbling experience, but I know that I was tested to the upper limits of my capacity as a human being.
It was like hanging from an edge of a cliff for years, but it finally feels like we've pulled ourselves up from the ledge. I finally have solid grounding in my life, and it scares the shit out of me, I never thought it would feel so foreign and scary.
I have stability and I am so scared of losing it. It is so precious, it feels like an exotic and rare gem stone. I don't like jewelry, I never wore any of it. But things like this...I can't put it to words.
Right now, I'm not a good friend because there's a lot I need to heal from still. I love and care about you and I want you to have a wonderful life with wonderful people. But with trauma, with what I am still dealing with, I'm not an optimal person to have in your life and that is ok.
Now I see things less personally, psychosis is a real fear of mine. With all of the stress I've been dealing with for years while trying to heal from the things I needed to heal from, I regularly fear relapsing into psychosis. But that fear has substantially reduced and I feel less vigilant and anxious overall.
Me being mentally ill is an added challenge for other people, especially if they get closer. Seeing a loved one struggle with mental illness is painful, I don't want to have anyone hurt like that over me, especially people I care about.
So I pushed you away, I vomited out hurtful things to shove you so far away from me that I couldn't hurt you worse. I have done this to all of my friends that I loved.
I still think this was the best plan of action, at least it was the best I could do given the circumstances.
I don't want to be anyone's friend until I can be a good friend. I work on this every day.

After the Liberal Democrats restorative conference week, Barnaby Thomas of The Herald sat down with the party’s leader to find out what the future holds for the second party in government.
Barnaby Thomas: After the tumult of recent weeks, I think it's fair to say that this conference has been a chance for the Liberal Democrats to reset. What policies, speeches, or points in the conference do you think provided you with what you needed to make a fresh start, to turn a corner, to renew and recover?
Deputy Prime Minister: I certainly agree that this is an opportunity to rebuild ourselves. One of our highlight policies that certainly reflects us rebuilding is planning to give teachers 20% PPA time to allow them to plan better lessons for the people of our future. Another policy is banning gambling advertisements to reduce addiction and exposure at a young age. I also would like to add our commitment to introducing £10 Billion for retrofitting housing to reduce their carbon footprint and make them more energy efficient
Barnaby Thomas: If you were prime minister for one day, and you're not that far off as deputy prime minister, what single policy would you implement?:
Deputy Prime Minister: It would be wonderful to be Prime Minister and I would be honoured. I would want to have a federal United Kingdom. I believe that the Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish Governments know best for their countries and should make most of the decisions and are certainly capable of doing that.
Barnaby Thomas: The conference has provided ample opportunity for your party to set out a vision. Is this just electioneering, or do you intend to realise any of these goals with your remaining time in government? If so, how will you work with your partners to implement new policies that won't be covered in your coalition agreement?
Deputy Prime Minister: I will of course do as much as I can to implement some of these policies but it is incredibly difficult as the Common’s Docket is full and there is such a short time.
Barnaby Thomas: You have a new deputy leader. Do you two work well together, are you excited about what you can achieve as a duo?
Deputy Prime Minister: Scubaguy194 has been a close friend of mine for a while now. We work together very well and I am excited we could achieve together. I do thank him for everything he has supported me with so far.
Barnaby Thomas: Do you think this coalition has been good for you and your party, and if you were being honest, would you do it again knowing what you do now?
Deputy Prime Minister: Especially that we were rushed and forced into government halfway through term without any plan and little preparation, we have done the best we can under the circumstances. Which leads to the answer to your next question, absolutely not.

1. There's a spot on the dining room's wall that's always moldy in spring. Probably because the apartment faces the sea. Though it's not really too close to it. The molds just keep coming back the next day after being removed. Somehow it just reminds me of a documentary I watched on Netflix weeks ago, Dancing With The Birds. The birds in the documentary all tried, day after day, to find someone. They just don't give up. Just as resilient as the moldy spot on the wall. I wanted to see if you are here.
   
2. I once got an internship at a company in a neighborhood I am not familiar with. I asked a friend of mine, who did an internship there the year before, about where I should avoid and things like that. Then she was like, "My boyfriend took care of everything for me. I think he um...." I asked my next door neighbor the same question because he got an internship in the same neighborhood I did. The first thing he said was, "If you can't figure things out on your own I don't think you should do an internship at all." For some reason the conversations I had with them still strikes me even until this day. People rarely care. People rarely understand. Even rarer to have someone who both cares about and understands you. Most people don't give a shit about the fact that you are in a bad spot. Some people might say, "Oh man I am sorry that you are in such a bad spot." A few people might pause whatever they are doing and offer you some help. Only one person, or maybe two or three, won't go until they get you out of the bad spot. I would like to be that person for my SO.
   
3. I just started watching Fargo. The second season. I looked up the cast of the show before I started watching it. Kristen Dunst is in it. When I was younger I heard people making fun of Dunst's teeth. I felt really bad for her. In an interview she did in 2019 she told the reporter that she was asked by some producers to have her teeth fixed, but she refused. Though she probably had dental work done at some point because her teeth do not look the same as before. I wondered what would have happened if she never had it done. And why can't we even accept an actress with "imperfect" teeth. David Bowie also had crooked teeth which he later fixed. I have heard many people claiming that his teeth did not bother them. I wondered if they would have said the same if it is just some random person with crooked teeth. I would be sad if their logic went like, the more talented a person is, the more crooked their teeth I could accept. My friend had a car accident in London some years ago and that messed something up. I am sure some men would have chosen to leave but hers did not. Her husband did not tell her to fix anything. A side note, fixing and repairing, in a relationship, are some essential skills. I do not want to be with someone who constantly thinks about jumping ship. Though we all know that some mistakes are simply beyond repair. "Would it be so bad if I slept with this girl, only once, behind my wife's back?" Yes, it would be over. I would like to find someone who not just likes the beginning of things but also the things after that. Someone who I could share both the best and the worst years of my life with. And, you know, someone to watch Fargo with.
   

What I am looking for -
Short version (there is a long version, with explanation, follows) -
A single, monogamous, adult (stop asking me for an age range. If you can get married without your parents’ approval, you are welcomed to message me) man who is looking for a lifelong relationship, has time to be in a committed relationship, will become my best friend, is in shape/ not too out of shape, is reasonably healthy, is mentally healthy and stable/ mentally unhealthy and unstable but has been monitoring the progress, mentally available, is a meat eater, is a non smoke rarely smoke, is a non drinke social drinker, is a non drug addict (weed is fine), is a non gambling addict, is a non porn addict, is a virgin/ non virgin but was always responsible to their exes (always wore condoms and never had STDs), is okay with no cohabitation, is okay with no premarital sex, is not into anything kinky, wants kids (biological kids/ adopted kids), is okay with your spouse not taking birth control pills, is okay with your spouse not wearing an IUD, is debt free/ with justifiable debt, is religious/ non religious, is eligible to apply for a passport (and meet each other)
If you do not agree with everything I said above then we are not compatible. “I agreed with most of the things you said.” What does that even mean? I have had enough messages telling me that they do not entirely agree with what I said but would like to see where things go. The answer is nowhere. I do not have time nor do I want to build a castle on sand. I also have had enough messages telling me to reconsider things. I won't.
What I like -
Sun
Snow
Trees
Woodworking
Agriculture
Plants
Good food
Hot food
Hot soup
Warm words
Laughing
Wool yarn
Wool clothing
Names with stories, say like, street names
Dining wares
Trains
Photography
Old stories - old movies and shows
Good stories - movies, shows and documentaries, books, music with good lyrics
Good arts
Thrift stores
Flea markets
What I am looking for - Long version -
A strictly monogamous relationship that is happy, healthy, supportive, and lasts forever. I am not looking for dick pictures, chat buddies, dirty chat buddies, hookups, love affairs, friends, friends with benefits, sugar daddies, sugar uncles, sugar sons, rebound dating, short-term dating, several years dating, polyamorous, open, or online-only relationships.
Communication - I would make time to talk to my SO every day, and very much prefer so, even just to hear that they are safe and sound. But I would be understanding if they are out in Antarctica and the satellite Internet at the work station does not always work properly, or something like that. I would like to deal with all the hardships in life together as a team. Having arguments in a relationship is somewhat unavoidable. I like straightening things out, right away, in a logical, non violent, and non abusive way. I apologize when I make mistakes. Giving silent treatment is really not my thing. I am not saying that I do not have a temper. I do. I do get angry, but within reason. Keeping promises and being punctual are important to me. I always say “Gotta go” when I need to end a conversation.
Mental health - The amount of toxicity I could take is arguably higher than average, but please alert me if you are struggling mentally. On a side note, I hope you do not like watching porn. It is a poor choice, and is both physically and psychologically damaging. I am not asking everyone of you to agree with me on this, or any other things I say in this post. Whatever floats your boat, strangers; just let me have the freedom to find whatever I am looking for.
Distance - I am not looking for an online marriage. Future faking is a fucked up thing to do to another person. If you need nude pictures, phone sex or Skype sex to make a long distance relationship works, I am not the person you are looking for.
Meeting for the first time - I have given this a lot of thoughts, still I do not really know when and where would be good to meet up. We could meet either before we go into a relationship or after. It would probably be fairer for us to fly to a foreign place to meet, it means we would have to trust each other enough to do that. In that case it would make more sense to meet after the relationship has already been established. Also we would have to deal with this whole “OMG covid is deadly!” thing. I think it is doable to fall for someone just by talking. Though I am aware that people are often not who they claimed they are. Those who say they are loyal could be experienced cheaters. But we will see. When in doubt, I ask questions.
Marriage - I have never been married but I would like to get married. The last thing I want is a divorce. The word marriage has sort of become a dirty word now but I am old fashioned. I like relationship labels, and I hope you are the same. A side note, I'm not into having a big wedding. Or a diamond ring. Or to dress fancy for a pre-wedding shoot. The National Gallery of Art has three self portraits of a Hungarian photographer and his wife. I would like to have a wedding like theirs. Which means I would just like to hang out with my SO somewhere, take some pictures ourselves, and call it a wedding. If you never had a proper family, fear not, we would have one on our own. However, having a toxic childhood should not be an excuse for exhibiting toxic behaviors. I would never set myself on fire to keep you warm. It would not help.
Sex - It would be too intimidating if you have had unsafe sex, a lot of sex, or many sexual partners in the past. And I do not want to be intimidated. Don’t give me that classic “oral sex/ cyber sex is not really sex” BS. Premarital sex is off the table. People make fun of those who have never had sex, which I do not get. I do not have a past, and would strongly prefer someone who also does not. It seems fairer that way, and in that way I would not have to grieve over your past. But, then again, grieving is a part of life. It is alright if you are not a virgin, just do not lie. I do not really have a sex drive. Mentally speaking, I would be okay if you never wanted to have sex, I would also be okay if you wanted to have a lot of sex. Because I do not specifically crave for sex; I crave for love. In other word, I count all types of affection as a whole, and sex does not specifically stand out from all the rest. Physically speaking, I would not be compatible with those who have a high sex drive, as I think overindulgence in sex is destructive. I am not really a robot, and so daily sex sounds off putting as fuck to me. I would not be compatible with those who are into kinky sex/ filming sex tapes, also. There is nothing wrong with those, they are just not my thing. I think having boundaries in bed does not mean I do not love them, or love them less than those who have no boundaries. I would never take birth control pills/ wear an IUD, because they have many side effects that I do not want to deal with. Respect my choices.
Kids - I do not have kids. But I would like to raise kids. Ask yourself, honestly, if you are mature enough, and ready to be a father. "But I am not ready, just yet; there are things I want to achieve before I become a father." Find someone younger, then. I would like to add that I have no reason to doubt my fertility as I take reasonably good care of myself. I have no, and never had any, chronic diseases or illnesses. Am at a healthy weight, somewhat slim even. 5 feet 7 inches tall. In the event that I was infertile, surrogacy would not be an option. It goes against my morals. So, again, think twice. I would like to raise adopted kids, and treat them like they are my biological kids. I would not dump my husband if, he was found to be infertile at any point of the marriage. Technically I would be okay if you do not want to raise kids at all, but providing a home for some orphans is something I could do, and I do not want to pass that on.
Living together - I have always, and still am against the idea of living together before marriage. There is nothing wrong with cohabitation, it is just again not my thing. I would gladly introduce my roommate when I was in school to you if you are worried that I have some weird quirks. I might or might not bribe her before I introduce her to you.
Living with parents - Sure, I would not think less of you. There are reasons why people choose to live with their parents.
Cars - I do not care whether you have a car or not.
Money - I am not rich, and was not born rich, but I have no debts. Never had debts. I am aware that some debts are justifiable, like student loan. I worked in the academia. I just started doing something new, related to my field of study, and that makes me happy. Whether you are a postdoc, or a high school drop out, makes no difference to me. For those who think that throwing me a sentence like “I am a lawyer” would be enough to make me talk, have some self respect. I am fine with my Reddit inbox collects only dust.
Religion - I suppose I have always been mostly an agnostic. My parents sent me to a Christian middle school, then a Christian high school. It would be great if you are a God believer and do not mind me being a non religious person. We could read Bible together. It would also be great if you are a non religious person but follow traditional values.
Smoking, drinking and doing drugs - I do not smoke cigarettes. Or vape. Or whatever. I do not do soft/ hard drugs. Have no past addictions. I do not take over-the-counter drugs even. I do not drink alcohol. If you drink responsibly, then I do not have a problem with that.
Dietary choices - I am an omnivore. Have no food allergies. Please be a meat eater. I do not want to get into an argument with you over a tuna egg sandwich I make for our kids. I would not raise my kids vegan. They should be able to make their own choices when they are old enough. I like cooking quite a bit. Would learn to cook all your favorite dishes.
Pets - I do not have any pets.
Gaming - I do not gamble. I have never played any video or computer games. Game soundtracks though I do often pay attention to.
Tattoos - Sure, why not?
Earrings - Why not? I would buy you earrings.
Long hair - Why not? I would braid your hair when you are asleep, though.
Politics - I am against communism, and totalitarianism. Trump 2020. Please read my reddit history. I pretty much stopped using this account altogether, except posting on Foreveralonedating, because this account has 33 male followers, and that is creepy, and makes me feel very uncomfortable. But my reddit history should give you a hint on what kind of a person I am. (Update: 68 followers now, which shows you how disgusting and creepy some, if not most, men on this site are.)
P.S. This is Reddit, a wonderful yet utterly dangerous place, strangers. Especially for women. So many people prey on the weak. Even scammers would spend an hour writing and tell you that “you are everything I have been looking for since forever”. I laughed out loud at “I would relocate for you but it depends on where exactly you are” messages. “I am 100% (insert a race here), and I couldn’t aim to have kids with a wife who isn’t (insert a race here).” messages are laughable. Don’t bother, kiddos. The only time I accept people bringing up the skin color thing is when it concerns our adopted kids, if you understand what I mean. Canned messages are easy to spot, because I am smarter than you imagined. There were people who messaged me from throwaway accounts, which I noticed later filled with porn posts. Accounts with no post history are fishy. Anyhow at some point let's do a photo verification. Maybe we could take a selfie while holding a piece of paper with something like "Today's February 33 1920" written on it. Thank you all for sending me a selfie right off the bat. But I do not trust you enough to click on it. Also please do not ask me to talk to you over the phone/ do a video chat with you right off the bat. If you absolutely do not know what to write, check out "pinned post II", there's a list of 30 questions. I talk to one person, if even there was one, at a time.
TL;DR - I am a non religious person who holds traditional values and beliefs, which for obvious reasons give me a hard time these days. If you see this post, message me, no matter when.

1. “Physical attraction is important. So I’d want to have a picture of you. If I don’t like how you look, I would not respond.”

I mean, you don’t always get what you want.
I was on some dating site for a while. I had maybe 4000 likes. I don’t know if that’s a lot, or not much. Have never compared the number with another girl. I should point out that I didn’t upload a proper picture of mine because I had no desires to help improving their facial recognition system. Also because their rules sicken me. “Only frontal pictures of your face are allowed”. Oh okay. One day I noticed that they had my profile picture removed. And warned that if it was being removed repeatedly, the whole account will be banned altogether. I deleted my account the same night.
Beauty, to me, is plainly objective. Some people are good looking. And some people are ugly. Which is okay. It’s basically just lottery. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame your parents. At the same time beauty is largely subjective. Your personality and brain should be enough to make up for your shortcomings in your appearance. “Find someone who loves you for who you are”, your looks, personality and brain all included. While your looks being the least important one.

1. There's a spot on the dining room's wall that's always moldy in spring. Probably because the apartment faces the sea. Though it's not really too close to it. The molds just keep coming back the next day after being removed. Somehow it just reminds me of a documentary I watched on Netflix weeks ago, Dancing With The Birds. The birds in the documentary all tried, day after day, to find someone. They just don't give up. Just as resilient as the moldy spot on the wall. I wanted to see if you are here.
   
2. I once got an internship at a company in a neighborhood I am not familiar with. I asked a friend of mine, who did an internship there the year before, about where I should avoid and things like that. Then she was like, "My boyfriend took care of everything for me. I think he um...." I asked my next door neighbor the same question because he got an internship in the same neighborhood I did. The first thing he said was, "If you can't figure things out on your own I don't think you should do an internship at all." For some reason the conversations I had with them still strikes me even until this day. People rarely care. People rarely understand. Even rarer to have someone who both cares about and understands you. Most people don't give a shit about the fact that you are in a bad spot. Some people might say, "Oh man I am sorry that you are in such a bad spot." A few people might pause whatever they are doing and offer you some help. Only one person, or maybe two or three, won't go until they get you out of the bad spot. I would like to be that person for my SO.
   
3. I just started watching Fargo. The second season. I looked up the cast of the show before I started watching it. Kristen Dunst is in it. When I was younger I heard people making fun of Dunst's teeth. I felt really bad for her. In an interview she did in 2019 she told the reporter that she was asked by some producers to have her teeth fixed, but she refused. Though she probably had dental work done at some point because her teeth do not look the same as before. I wondered what would have happened if she never had it done. And why can't we even accept an actress with "imperfect" teeth. David Bowie also had crooked teeth which he later fixed. I have heard many people claiming that his teeth did not bother them. I wondered if they would have said the same if it is just some random person with crooked teeth. I would be sad if their logic went like, the more talented a person is, the more crooked their teeth I could accept. My friend had a car accident in London some years ago and that messed something up. I am sure some men would have chosen to leave but hers did not. Her husband did not tell her to fix anything. A side note, fixing and repairing, in a relationship, are some essential skills. I do not want to be with someone who constantly thinks about jumping ship. Though we all know that some mistakes are simply beyond repair. "Would it be so bad if I slept with this girl, only once, behind my wife's back?" Yes, it would be over. I would like to find someone who not just likes the beginning of things but also the things after that. Someone who I could share both the best and the worst years of my life with. And, you know, someone to watch Fargo with.
   

What I am looking for -
Short version (there is a long version, with explanation, follows) -
A single, monogamous, adult (stop asking me for an age range. If you can get married without your parents’ approval, you are welcomed to message me) man who is looking for a lifelong relationship, has time to be in a committed relationship, will become my best friend, is in shape/ not too out of shape, is reasonably healthy, is mentally healthy and stable/ mentally unhealthy and unstable but has been monitoring the progress, mentally available, is a meat eater, is a non smoke rarely smoke, is a non drinke social drinker, is a non drug addict (weed is fine), is a non gambling addict, is a non porn addict, is a virgin/ non virgin but was always responsible to their exes (always wore condoms and never had STDs), is okay with no cohabitation, is okay with no premarital sex, is not into anything kinky, wants kids (biological kids/ adopted kids), is okay with your spouse not taking birth control pills, is okay with your spouse not wearing an IUD, is debt free/ with justifiable debt, is religious/ non religious, is eligible to apply for a passport (and meet each other)
If you do not agree with everything I said above then we are not compatible. “I agreed with most of the things you said.” What does that even mean? I have had enough messages telling me that they do not entirely agree with what I said but would like to see where things go. The answer is nowhere. I do not have time nor do I want to build a castle on sand. I also have had enough messages telling me to reconsider things. I won't.
What I like -
Sun
Snow
Trees
Woodworking
Agriculture
Plants
Good food
Hot food
Hot soup
Warm words
Laughing
Wool yarn
Wool clothing
Names with stories, say like, street names
Dining wares
Trains
Photography
Old stories - old movies and shows
Good stories - movies, shows and documentaries, books, music with good lyrics
Good arts
Thrift stores
Flea markets
What I am looking for - Long version -
A strictly monogamous relationship that is happy, healthy, supportive, and lasts forever. I am not looking for dick pictures, chat buddies, dirty chat buddies, hookups, love affairs, friends, friends with benefits, rebound dating, short-term dating, several years dating, polyamorous, open, or online-only relationships.
Communication - I would make time to talk to my SO every day, and very much prefer so, even just to hear that they are safe and sound. But I would be understanding if they are out in Antarctica and the satellite Internet at the work station does not always work properly, or something like that. I would like to deal with all the hardships in life together as a team. Having arguments in a relationship is somewhat unavoidable. I like straightening things out, right away, in a logical, non violent, and non abusive way. I apologize when I make mistakes. Giving silent treatment is really not my thing. I am not saying that I do not have a temper. I do. I do get angry, but within reason. Keeping promises and being punctual are important to me. I always say “Gotta go” when I need to end a conversation.
Mental health - The amount of toxicity I could take is arguably higher than average, but please alert me if you are struggling mentally. On a side note, I hope you do not like watching porn. It is a poor choice, and is both physically and psychologically damaging. I am not asking everyone of you to agree with me on this, or any other things I say in this post. Whatever floats your boat, strangers; just let me have the freedom to find whatever I am looking for.
Distance - I am not looking for an online marriage. Future faking is a fucked up thing to do to another person. If you need nude pictures, phone sex or Skype sex to make a long distance relationship works, I am not the person you are looking for.
Meeting for the first time - I have given this a lot of thoughts, still I do not really know when and where would be good to meet up. We could meet either before we go into a relationship or after. It would probably be fairer for us to fly to a foreign place to meet, it means we would have to trust each other enough to do that. In that case it would make more sense to meet after the relationship has already been established. Also we would have to deal with this whole “OMG covid is deadly!” thing. I think it is doable to fall for someone just by talking. Though I am aware that people are often not who they claimed they are. Those who say they are loyal could be experienced cheaters. But we will see. When in doubt, I ask questions.
Marriage - I have never been married but I would like to get married. The last thing I want is a divorce. The word marriage has sort of become a dirty word now but I am old fashioned. I like relationship labels, and I hope you are the same. A side note, I'm not into having a big wedding. Or a diamond ring. Or to dress fancy for a pre-wedding shoot. The National Gallery of Art has three self portraits of a Hungarian photographer and his wife. I would like to have a wedding like theirs. Which means I would just like to hang out with my SO somewhere, take some pictures ourselves, and call it a wedding. If you never had a proper family, fear not, we would have one on our own. However, having a toxic childhood should not be an excuse for exhibiting toxic behaviors. I would never set myself on fire to keep you warm. It would not help.
Sex - It would be too intimidating if you have had unsafe sex, a lot of sex, or many sexual partners in the past. And I do not want to be intimidated. Don’t give me that classic “oral sex/ cyber sex is not really sex” BS. Premarital sex is off the table. People make fun of those who have never had sex, which I do not get. I do not have a past, and would strongly prefer someone who also does not. It seems fairer that way, and in that way I would not have to grieve over your past. But, then again, grieving is a part of life. It is alright if you are not a virgin, just do not lie. I do not really have a sex drive. Mentally speaking, I would be okay if you never wanted to have sex, I would also be okay if you wanted to have a lot of sex. Because I do not specifically crave for sex; I crave for love. In other word, I count all types of affection as a whole, and sex does not specifically stand out from all the rest. Physically speaking, I would not be compatible with those who have a high sex drive, as I think overindulgence in sex is destructive. I am not really a robot, and so daily sex sounds off putting as fuck to me. I would not be compatible with those who are into kinky sex/ filming sex tapes, also. There is nothing wrong with those, they are just not my thing. I think having boundaries in bed does not mean I do not love them, or love them less than those who have no boundaries. I would never take birth control pills/ wear an IUD, because they have many side effects that I do not want to deal with. Respect my choices.
Kids - I do not have kids. But I would like to raise kids. Ask yourself, honestly, if you are mature enough, and ready to be a father. "But I am not ready, just yet; there are things I want to achieve before I become a father." Find someone younger, then. I would like to add that I have no reason to doubt my fertility as I take reasonably good care of myself. I have no, and never had any, chronic diseases or illnesses. Am at a healthy weight, somewhat slim even. 5 feet 7 inches tall. In the event that I was infertile, surrogacy would not be an option. It goes against my morals. So, again, think twice. I would like to raise adopted kids, and treat them like they are my biological kids. I would not dump my husband if, he was found to be infertile at any point of the marriage. Technically I would be okay if you do not want to raise kids at all, but providing a home for some orphans is something I could do, and I do not want to pass that on.
Living together - I have always, and still am against the idea of living together before marriage. There is nothing wrong with cohabitation, it is just again not my thing. I would gladly introduce my roommate when I was in school to you if you are worried that I have some weird quirks. I might or might not bribe her before I introduce her to you.
Living with parents - Sure, I would not think less of you. There are reasons why people choose to live with their parents.
Cars - I do not care whether you have a car or not.
Money - I am not rich, and was not born rich, but I have no debts. Never had debts. I am aware that some debts are justifiable, like student loan. I worked in the academia. I just started doing something new, related to my field of study, and that makes me happy. Whether you are a postdoc, or a high school drop out, makes no difference to me. For those who think that throwing me a sentence like “I am a lawyer” would be enough to make me talk, have some self respect. I am fine with my Reddit inbox collects only dust.
Religion - I suppose I have always been mostly an agnostic. My parents sent me to a Christian middle school, then a Christian high school. It would be great if you are a God believer and do not mind me being a non religious person. We could read Bible together. It would also be great if you are a non religious person but follow traditional values.
Smoking, drinking and doing drugs - I do not smoke cigarettes. Or vape. Or whatever. I do not do soft/ hard drugs. Have no past addictions. I do not take over-the-counter drugs even. I do not drink alcohol. If you drink responsibly, then I do not have a problem with that.
Dietary choices - I am an omnivore. Have no food allergies. Please be a meat eater. I do not want to get into an argument with you over a tuna egg sandwich I make for our kids. I would not raise my kids vegan. They should be able to make their own choices when they are old enough. I like cooking quite a bit. Would learn to cook all your favorite dishes.
Pets - I do not have any pets.
Gaming - I do not gamble. I have never played any video or computer games. Game soundtracks though I do often pay attention to.
Tattoos - Sure, why not?
Earrings - Why not? I would buy you earrings.
Long hair - Why not? I would braid your hair when you are asleep, though.
Politics - I am against communism, and totalitarianism. Trump 2020. Please read my reddit history. I pretty much stopped using this account altogether, except posting on Foreveralonedating, because this account has 33 male followers, and that is creepy, and makes me feel very uncomfortable. But my reddit history should give you a hint on what kind of a person I am. (Update: 68 followers now, which shows you how disgusting and creepy some, if not most, men on this site are.)
P.S. This is Reddit, a wonderful yet utterly dangerous place, strangers. Especially for women. So many people prey on the weak. Even scammers would spend an hour writing and tell you that “you are everything I have been looking for since forever”. I laughed out loud at “I would relocate for you but it depends on where exactly you are” messages. “I am 100% (insert a race here), and I couldn’t aim to have kids with a wife who isn’t (insert a race here).” messages are laughable. Don’t bother, kiddos. The only time I accept people bringing up the skin color thing is when it concerns our adopted kids, if you understand what I mean. Canned messages are easy to spot, because I am smarter than you imagined. There were people who messaged me from throwaway accounts, which I noticed later filled with porn posts. Accounts with no post history are fishy. Anyhow at some point let's do a photo verification. Maybe we could take a selfie while holding a piece of paper with something like "Today's February 33 1920" written on it. Thank you all for sending me a selfie right off the bat. But I do not trust you enough to click on it. Also please do not ask me to talk to you over the phone/ do a video chat with you right off the bat. If you absolutely do not know what to write, check out "pinned post II", there's a list of 30 questions. I talk to one person, if even there was one, at a time.
TL;DR - I am a non religious person who holds traditional values and beliefs, which for obvious reasons give me a hard time these days. If you see this post, message me, no matter when.

1. There's a spot on the dining room's wall that's always moldy in spring. Probably because the apartment faces the sea. Though it's not really too close to it. The molds just keep coming back the next day after being removed. Somehow it just reminds me of a documentary I watched on Netflix weeks ago, Dancing With The Birds. The birds in the documentary all tried, day after day, to find someone. They just don't give up. Just as resilient as the moldy spot on the wall. I wanted to see if you are here.
   
2. I once got an internship at a company in a neighborhood I am not familiar with. I asked a friend of mine, who did an internship there the year before, about where I should avoid and things like that. Then she was like, "My boyfriend took care of everything for me. I think he um...." I asked my next door neighbor the same question because he got an internship in the same neighborhood I did. The first thing he said was, "If you can't figure things out on your own I don't think you should do an internship at all." For some reason the conversations I had with them still strikes me even until this day. People rarely care. People rarely understand. Even rarer to have someone who both cares about and understands you. Most people don't give a shit about the fact that you are in a bad spot. Some people might say, "Oh man I am sorry that you are in such a bad spot." A few people might pause whatever they are doing and offer you some help. Only one person, or maybe two or three, won't go until they get you out of the bad spot. I would like to be that person for my SO.
   
3. I just started watching Fargo. The second season. I looked up the cast of the show before I started watching it. Kristen Dunst is in it. When I was younger I heard people making fun of Dunst's teeth. I felt really bad for her. In an interview she did in 2019 she told the reporter that she was asked by some producers to have her teeth fixed, but she refused. Though she probably had dental work done at some point because her teeth do not look the same as before. I wondered what would have happened if she never had it done. And why can't we even accept an actress with "imperfect" teeth. David Bowie also had crooked teeth which he later fixed. I have heard many people claiming that his teeth did not bother them. I wondered if they would have said the same if it is just some random person with crooked teeth. I would be sad if their logic went like, the more talented a person is, the more crooked their teeth I could accept. My friend had a car accident in London some years ago and that messed something up. I am sure some men would have chosen to leave but hers did not. Her husband did not tell her to fix anything. A side note, fixing and repairing, in a relationship, are some essential skills. I do not want to be with someone who constantly thinks about jumping ship. Though we all know that some mistakes are simply beyond repair. "Would it be so bad if I slept with this girl, only once, behind my wife's back?" Yes, it would be over. I would like to find someone who not just likes the beginning of things but also the things after that. Someone who I could share both the best and the worst years of my life with. And, you know, someone to watch Fargo with.
   

What I am looking for -
Short version (there is a long version, with explanation, follows) -
A single, monogamous, adult (stop asking me for an age range. If you can get married without your parents’ approval, you are welcomed to message me) man who is looking for a lifelong relationship, has time to be in a committed relationship, will become my best friend, is in shape/ not too out of shape, is reasonably healthy, is mentally healthy and stable/ mentally unhealthy and unstable but has been monitoring the progress, mentally available, is a meat eater, is a non smoke rarely smoke, is a non drinke social drinker, is a non drug addict (weed is fine), is a non gambling addict, is a non porn addict, is a virgin/ non virgin but was always responsible to their exes (always wore condoms and never had STDs), is okay with no cohabitation, is okay with no premarital sex, is not into anything kinky, wants kids (biological kids/ adopted kids), is okay with your spouse not taking birth control pills, is okay with your spouse not wearing an IUD, is debt free/ with justifiable debt, is religious/ non religious, is eligible to apply for a passport (and meet each other)
If you do not agree with everything I said above then we are not compatible. “I agreed with most of the things you said.” What does that even mean? I have had enough messages telling me that they do not entirely agree with what I said but would like to see where things go. The answer is nowhere. I do not have time nor do I want to build a castle on sand. I also have had enough messages telling me to reconsider things. I won't.
What I like -
Sun
Snow
Trees
Woodworking
Agriculture
Plants
Good food
Hot food
Hot soup
Warm words
Laughing
Wool yarn
Wool clothing
Names with stories, say like, street names
Dining wares
Trains
Photography
Old stories - old movies and shows
Good stories - movies, shows and documentaries, books, music with good lyrics
Good arts
Thrift stores
Flea markets
What I am looking for - Long version -
A strictly monogamous relationship that is happy, healthy, supportive, and lasts forever. I am not looking for dick pictures, chat buddies, dirty chat buddies, hookups, love affairs, friends, friends with benefits, rebound dating, short-term dating, several years dating, polyamorous, open, or online-only relationships.
Communication - I would make time to talk to my SO every day, and very much prefer so, even just to hear that they are safe and sound. But I would be understanding if they are out in Antarctica and the satellite Internet at the work station does not always work properly, or something like that. I would like to deal with all the hardships in life together as a team. Having arguments in a relationship is somewhat unavoidable. I like straightening things out, right away, in a logical, non violent, and non abusive way. I apologize when I make mistakes. Giving silent treatment is really not my thing. I am not saying that I do not have a temper. I do. I do get angry, but within reason. Keeping promises and being punctual are important to me. I always say “Gotta go” when I need to end a conversation.
Mental health - The amount of toxicity I could take is arguably higher than average, but please alert me if you are struggling mentally. On a side note, I hope you do not like watching porn. It is a poor choice, and is both physically and psychologically damaging. I am not asking everyone of you to agree with me on this, or any other things I say in this post. Whatever floats your boat, strangers; just let me have the freedom to find whatever I am looking for.
Distance - I am not looking for an online marriage. Future faking is a fucked up thing to do to another person. If you need nude pictures, phone sex or Skype sex to make a long distance relationship works, I am not the person you are looking for.
Meeting for the first time - I have given this a lot of thoughts, still I do not really know when and where would be good to meet up. We could meet either before we go into a relationship or after. It would probably be fairer for us to fly to a foreign place to meet, it means we would have to trust each other enough to do that. In that case it would make more sense to meet after the relationship has already been established. Also we would have to deal with this whole “OMG covid is deadly!” thing. I think it is doable to fall for someone just by talking. Though I am aware that people are often not who they claimed they are. Those who say they are loyal could be experienced cheaters. But we will see. When in doubt, I ask questions.
Marriage - I have never been married but I would like to get married. The last thing I want is a divorce. The word marriage has sort of become a dirty word now but I am old fashioned. I like relationship labels, and I hope you are the same. A side note, I'm not into having a big wedding. Or a diamond ring. Or to dress fancy for a pre-wedding shoot. The National Gallery of Art has three self portraits of a Hungarian photographer and his wife. I would like to have a wedding like theirs. Which means I would just like to hang out with my SO somewhere, take some pictures ourselves, and call it a wedding. If you never had a proper family, fear not, we would have one on our own. However, having a toxic childhood should not be an excuse for exhibiting toxic behaviors. I would never set myself on fire to keep you warm. It would not help.
Sex - It would be too intimidating if you have had unsafe sex, a lot of sex, or many sexual partners in the past. And I do not want to be intimidated. Don’t give me that classic “oral sex/ cyber sex is not really sex” BS. Premarital sex is off the table. People make fun of those who have never had sex, which I do not get. I do not have a past, and would strongly prefer someone who also does not. It seems fairer that way, and in that way I would not have to grieve over your past. But, then again, grieving is a part of life. It is alright if you are not a virgin, just do not lie. I do not really have a sex drive. Mentally speaking, I would be okay if you never wanted to have sex, I would also be okay if you wanted to have a lot of sex. Because I do not specifically crave for sex; I crave for love. In other word, I count all types of affection as a whole, and sex does not specifically stand out from all the rest. Physically speaking, I would not be compatible with those who have a high sex drive, as I think overindulgence in sex is destructive. I am not really a robot, and so daily sex sounds off putting as fuck to me. I would not be compatible with those who are into kinky sex/ filming sex tapes, also. There is nothing wrong with those, they are just not my thing. I think having boundaries in bed does not mean I do not love them, or love them less than those who have no boundaries. I would never take birth control pills/ wear an IUD, because they have many side effects that I do not want to deal with. Respect my choices.
Kids - I do not have kids. But I would like to raise kids. Ask yourself, honestly, if you are mature enough, and ready to be a father. "But I am not ready, just yet; there are things I want to achieve before I become a father." Find someone younger, then. I would like to add that I have no reason to doubt my fertility as I take reasonably good care of myself. I have no, and never had any, chronic diseases or illnesses. Am at a healthy weight, somewhat slim even. 5 feet 7 inches tall. In the event that I was infertile, surrogacy would not be an option. It goes against my morals. So, again, think twice. I would like to raise adopted kids, and treat them like they are my biological kids. I would not dump my husband if, he was found to be infertile at any point of the marriage. Technically I would be okay if you do not want to raise kids at all, but providing a home for some orphans is something I could do, and I do not want to pass that on.
Living together - I have always, and still am against the idea of living together before marriage. There is nothing wrong with cohabitation, it is just again not my thing. I would gladly introduce my roommate when I was in school to you if you are worried that I have some weird quirks. I might or might not bribe her before I introduce her to you.
Living with parents - Sure, I would not think less of you. There are reasons why people choose to live with their parents.
Cars - I do not care whether you have a car or not.
Money - I am not rich, and was not born rich, but I have no debts. Never had debts. I am aware that some debts are justifiable, like student loan. I worked in the academia. I just started doing something new, related to my field of study, and that makes me happy. Whether you are a postdoc, or a high school drop out, makes no difference to me. For those who think that throwing me a sentence like “I am a lawyer” would be enough to make me talk, have some self respect. I am fine with my Reddit inbox collects only dust.
Religion - I suppose I have always been mostly an agnostic. My parents sent me to a Christian middle school, then a Christian high school. It would be great if you are a God believer and do not mind me being a non religious person. We could read Bible together. It would also be great if you are a non religious person but follow traditional values.
Smoking, drinking and doing drugs - I do not smoke cigarettes. Or vape. Or whatever. I do not do soft/ hard drugs. Have no past addictions. I do not take over-the-counter drugs even. I do not drink alcohol. If you drink responsibly, then I do not have a problem with that.
Dietary choices - I am an omnivore. Have no food allergies. Please be a meat eater. I do not want to get into an argument with you over a tuna egg sandwich I make for our kids. I would not raise my kids vegan. They should be able to make their own choices when they are old enough. I like cooking quite a bit. Would learn to cook all your favorite dishes.
Pets - I do not have any pets.
Gaming - I do not gamble. I have never played any video or computer games. Game soundtracks though I do often pay attention to.
Tattoos - Sure, why not?
Earrings - Why not? I would buy you earrings.
Long hair - Why not? I would braid your hair when you are asleep, though.
Politics - I am against communism, and totalitarianism. Trump 2020. Please read my reddit history. I pretty much stopped using this account altogether, except posting on Foreveralonedating, because this account has 33 male followers, and that is creepy, and makes me feel very uncomfortable. But my reddit history should give you a hint on what kind of a person I am. (Update: 68 followers now, which shows you how disgusting and creepy some, if not most, men on this site are.)
P.S. This is Reddit, a wonderful yet utterly dangerous place, strangers. Especially for women. So many people prey on the weak. Even scammers would spend an hour writing and tell you that “you are everything I have been looking for since forever”. I laughed out loud at “I would relocate for you but it depends on where exactly you are” messages. “I am 100% (insert a race here), and I couldn’t aim to have kids with a wife who isn’t (insert a race here).” messages are laughable. Don’t bother, kiddos. The only time I accept people bringing up the skin color thing is when it concerns our adopted kids, if you understand what I mean. Canned messages are easy to spot, because I am smarter than you imagined. There were people who messaged me from throwaway accounts, which I noticed later filled with porn posts. Accounts with no post history are fishy. Anyhow at some point let's do a photo verification. Maybe we could take a selfie while holding a piece of paper with something like "Today's February 33 1920" written on it. Thank you all for sending me a selfie right off the bat. But I do not trust you enough to click on it. Also please do not ask me to talk to you over the phone/ do a video chat with you right off the bat. If you absolutely do not know what to write, check out "pinned post II", there's a list of 30 questions. I talk to one person, if even there was one, at a time.
TL;DR - I am a non religious person who holds traditional values and beliefs, which for obvious reasons give me a hard time these days. If you see this post, message me, no matter when.

Section Zero: Background
Hello all, happy hoildays! I stumbled upon this subreddit not long ago and have enjoyed the commentary and experiences everyone's shared. Wanted to add another perspective from a mid-30s first-gen American. I've had some missteps regarding careers and finances, but I feel like I'm in a slightly better place now. I tried YNAB in the past but I wasn't consistent enough with it. These days I use Mint to monitor my finances and have a "Finance Friday" each month to review all my accounts and spending. I currently live with my partner TJ and his dog RR. We do not combine finances, but he has been unemployed since March. I have helped him with some bills and basic necessities here and there until he finds his next job or career.
My current financial goals are to just maintain a status quo and not get any debt until pandemic times are over. Then I will focus on a house remodeling fund and savings for taking care of my parents.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances? My parents taught us about money from a frugal perspective. They are immigrants who worked in food service/factories. There was always this “save save save” mentality. Even when they started their own small business, we saved like there was no tomorrow. In high school, my calculus teacher bought us all “The Millionaire Next Door” book and had us read it as an assignment - that was my first structured introduction to finances.
Did you worry about money growing up? No, there was always food on the table and a roof over our heads. I knew that our extended family would support us if needed.
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it? Yes. My dad didn’t finish the high school-equivalent in their country, while my mom did finish high school, but no college. My older and younger siblings took a different path in life after high school. I am the first and only in my family to graduate from college. My parents covered all tuition for my two bachelor degrees with the agreement that I support them fully during their retirement and send them gifts/extra money whenever I can. I feel very lucky and privileged that they were able to provide that education for me.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net? 24 when I went on a work holiday abroad. My family was always available to help when needed, but the experience abroad helped me stand on my own feet. As an adult, I also inherited that “save” mentality and put a lot of my earnings towards savings. I didn’t date until my 30s, lived frugally, didn’t go out to eat/hangout with people, shopped thrift stores, and had very few hobbies. I am starting to “live a little” now though.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? Aside from the tuition, my parents have helped with a down payment for my first house and living costs during periods of unemployment.
​
Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance
If the place I was working at offered a 401k, I would always contribute up to the company match. I started my IRA in my mid-20s and would try to contribute the yearly max. I've stopped that the past 2-3 years though. My Other Brokerage is some play money, but I got tired of staring it and switched to index funds. I haven't contributed anything to it in a few years.

• 401k: $34,127 (5% company match on contributions)
• Brokerage: $22,421 ESPP
• Roth IRA: $40,615 VTIVX
• Rollover IRA: $15,760 VTTHX
• Other Brokerage: $7,235 VTI
• Coinbase: $1,286 ETH (mostly just playing around with it)

Equity if you're a homeowner
Purchased my first home for $382,000 with 20% down, right before lockdown earlier this year. Perfect timing, right?? I plan to live here until my retirement. My parents contributed $15k while I used most of my savings for the rest.

• Current Equity: $80,371

Savings account balance: $3,073
Checking account balance: $7,800
Credit card debt: I charge everything on my credit card for the points, then pay it off each month using my checking account balance.
Student loan debt: Traditionally no student loan debt as mentioned in Section Zero.
​
Section Two: Income
Income Progression (listed as gross income with cost of living area):
High School

• $11/hour MCOL - Helped with small family business.

College and first “career” job

• $12-19/hour MCOL - I did events/banquet serving after classes and had an internship doing software administration.
• $22/hour MCOL - Junior web developer. I realized after a year that programming was not my calling.

Mental health break

• $12/hour LCOL - Work holiday abroad. I got a steady banquet server job for that whole time. It was enough to live minimally in a hostel, do weekend trips, WOOF and figure my life out.

College (again) and second “career” job

• $12-15/hour LCOL - Decided to go back to school for a different bachelor's degree. While pursuing that degree, I worked at hotels and events as a banquet server again. I also did “search engine evaluation” whenever there were tasks available.
• $36,000/year salary LCOL - Software administrator at a casino after graduation.
• $39,000/year salary LCOL - Systems analyst at same casino. I left after 2 years, feeling disillusioned with the casino industry. I moved back home with my parents until I could get back on my feet again.

Third “career” jobs

• $20/hour HCOL - Entry level advertising role. I was applying to all types of office jobs and that was my only bite.
• $45/hour MCOL - Cold-called from a global company who needed someone with my software administrator experience from the casino job. It was an 8 month contract. Although I was starting to love my advertising job, the increase in pay was no question.
• $65,000/year salary MCOL - After the contract ended and a few months of unemployment, I landed my current job at the same company. It is an “early career” role according to their job levels.
• $66,900/year salary MCOL - Cost of living and merit increases after 2 years on the job. Pre-COVID we got a $5000 bonus each year. They have now stopped bonuses as well as all COL and merit increases.

​
Main Job Monthly Take Home:
Monthly Net (paid bi-weekly): $2,758
Deductions:

• Taxes: $1214
• (Pre-Tax) Insurance (Medical, Dental, Vision, Life) + HSA: $822
• (5% Pre-Tax) 401k: $256
• (10% Post-Tax) ESPP: $514

Side Gig Monthly Take Home:
No side gigs at the moment, but I am thinking of signing up on Upwork.com and doing Excel/data entry projects to help pay the mortgage.
Other Income: TJ’s friend will be staying with us for a month in January, who will pay rent of $800 including utilities. Depending on how that goes, we may take on a roommate in the spare bedroom long-term.
​
Section Three: Expenses
Mortgage - when I bought the house, the plan was that I would charge TJ a portion of the mortgage costs as “rent”, but since his unemployment I am now covering it all myself.
Regular Monthly Payment: $1677.57

• Principal: $501.31
• Interest: $849.74
• Taxes & Home Insurance: $326.52

HOA: $30/year
Retirement contribution: Nothing additional than what's been mentioned.
Savings contribution: I used to do $50-100/month, but since COVID I’ve stopped contributing to my savings account.
Investment contribution: None at this time.
Debt payments: $100/month towards TJ's credit card balance of $2,307.
Donations: $10-20/month, usually towards Omaze or Planned Parenthood.
Utilities:

• Electric: $45-65/month
• Water: $60-90/month
• Sewer: $30/month
• Garbage: $26/month
• Natural Gas: $30-80/month
• Xfinity internet: $60/month

Cellphone: On my parents plan.
Subscriptions:

• LinkedIn: $29.99/month for TJ’s job search - he’s found it very useful.
• Amazon/Netflix/Hulu: We piggyback off family and friends’ accounts.
• Nintendo Switch Online: 19.99/year
• Costco: $60/year

Gym membership: Pre-COVID I did Orangetheory for a year. I started to pick up free exercise equipment from Craigslist this year, so we have a small garage gym now and utilize YouTube exercise videos instead.
Pet expenses: $10/month. TJ has stockpiled some Costco canned dog food before unemployment, but once that runs out I will likely cover the costs. We also started to make homemade dog food to help supplement.
Car insurance: $460 every 6 months. Car is paid off.
Regular therapy: I will start in the new year. Not sure what the costs are yet, but I will use my HSA to pay.
Vitamins/Medications: $20/month
Groceries & household items: $75/month
Miscellaneous (eating out, house purchases, gifts, etc): $100/month
​
Section Four: Money Diary
Monday
6:30am Neighbor starts up their truck. We joke that it's our natural alarm clock. They idle for about 15 minutes before heading off. I go back to bed.
9am My real alarm goes off. I put the electric kettle on for some morning tea. While it's boiling, I do my morning routine: drink glass of water, take synthroid, use bathroom, brush teeth, quick shower. I then make tea - Jasmine Pearl English Breakfast with dark forest mix. I started ordering loose leaf tea in large amounts back in March instead of small bags or single serving packets. Seems more economical since I drink it daily. I let the dog out into the backyard so he can do his morning routine.
9:30am I go through my daily tasks for work. They entail checking processes and reports to make sure they ran successfully overnight. I then answer some emails and catch-up on Slack channels.
12pm Lunch is leftover roast chicken and quinoa from Saturday. I heat it up in the instant pot. Love that thing! Almost every meal of ours involves the instant pot. We hardly use the stovetop. We then walk the dog to the business park across from our neighborhood. There's a very short trail that runs along a drainage creek by the business park. It's quite muddy, but has a nice woodsy feeling. Over the summer, we saw sumac trees there as well. Free sumac spice!
1:30pm Department meeting on Zoom. Our director announces his resignation on the call. Everyone is shocked! Layoffs were announced for next year but this was not a part of it. I think it's a good move for him and he doesn't have to have this worry of layoffs over his head.
3pm I meet with an engineer from another team and talk about a data source they are in charge of. He helps me out in understanding it and we identify most of the fields that I need for a project I’m starting.
5:30pm I check in with my partner. He's been watching LinkedIn tutorials on internal recruiting, job coaching and general computeoffice skills. It's a career change that he wants to make - something where he can talk to and help people. He doesn't have a bachelor's, only an associates, and hopes these tutorials will get him a leg up in the job search. I sent him some entry level HR admin roles the other day and remind him to apply. I then heat up leftovers: homemade chana masala and rice. I add some butter and coconut milk to thin it out, so there's enough for both of us.
10:30pm I take some magnesium, vitamin D and Airborne. I say goodnight to the dog who sleeps in the office. Then I say goodnight to TJ. He sleeps in the spare bedroom on weeknights due to his snoring keeping me up. I'm a light sleeper while he is a pretty deep sleeper.
Daily total: $0
Tuesday
9am I check Reddit Secret Santa. My match seems like a really good person. Not sure what to get, but most likely will purchase something off their wishlist. I wish I was more creative with my gift giving.
11am Meeting with business stakeholder. She submitted a few changes to an existing data process about a month ago. I make the change while on the call and have her test. Success! Marking it off the todo list. I love when we can finish things directly on a call.
12:30pm I come out of my office to make lunch. I notice my partner is not home. I check my messages and see that he's stepped out to pick up a few things. I ask for celery, carrots, and kombucha. $17. I make a quick charcuterie board for lunch: Costco salami, cheese, homemade hummus and Triscuits. It's a simple, fast meal that’s always in our rotation.
2pm My partner is back and we take the dog out for a walk and quick round of disc golf at a nearby park. We mask up and play only a few holes. Disc golf is a pretty frugal activity, you only need 2-3 discs to get started. TJ remarks that my throws are getting better, but then again they weren't great to start with. We talk about Christmas/Birthday gifts on the way back home since he was born on New Years Day. He mentioned snowshoeing but asked to not spend that much. I'll do some research!
5pm I think about personal career projects. Should I put up a portfolio of projects somewhere? I decide to try and pull some Yelp data. There’s not a lot of data points that I was interested in. Regardless, I tinker with it for an hour. TJ asks if I'm hungry. I said not so much, but felt thirsty. Maybe some ginger soup tonight?
7:30pm Dinner is served - ginger carrot soup made in the instant pot. We eat some rice crackers with it. Lately I feel like we've been eating more vegetarian dinners. It definitely helps stretch our food budget. We end the evening by finishing Fargo season 3 on Hulu.
Daily total: $17
Wednesday
1:30am I'm woken up by the dog. He's been sneezing a lot and wheezes at random intervals. TJ doesn't have the money for a vet visit but I've offered to pay as long as he calls to make the appointment. I give the dog some coconut oil, rub his belly until he seems better and go back to bed.
7am Garbage day. We usually put it out the night before but I forgot. I get up to go, but TJ handles it. I think, at least. I'm too sleepy to pay attention and go back to bed.
9am I wake up and rinse some dishes that have piled up and put them into the dishwasher. We both grew up in households that had a home dishwasher, but forbade from using it. It was drilled into us that hand washing saves more water, unless you had a restaurant/industrial dishwasher. I think with modern home dishwashers, that's changed, so I wanted to try it out with our dishwasher and monitor the water bill. Don't have any dishwashing pods or powder, so I put some OxiClean in it.
12:30pm I overhear TJ on a call with a recruiting agency. It seems to be going well, lots of laughing. I heat up some taco lasagna that I freezer meal-prepped last month.
2pm Collaborate on a project at work with an engineer. My manager put me on this project since I was asking for an assignment on a more technical team. I'm learning tidbits here and there, but I don't feel like it's structured enough.
5pm I do an Orangetheory-At-Home workout and try to break a sweat. It's not the same as going to their studio.
6pm Charcuterie for dinner. Our fridge is full of store-bought and homemade pickles that go super well on a charcuterie board.
Daily total: $0
Thursday
7am I wake up tired. The house has been feeling more cold, which woke me up a few times. We keep the temp at 72F during the day, at night around 68F since we thought the bedrooms keep the heat in pretty well. My mistake!
9am I do my usual morning routine and login to work. My team mostly spends the morning sending each other emojis.
11:30am Lunch today is mini quiche, frozen chicken and veggie entree, and hot dogs. Not the most cohesive meal, but it fills the belly.
12:30pm TJ heads out to his mailbox that's 30 minutes away. He is still waiting on his tax return and a 401k withdrawal. His taxes had to be filed by mail for some reason, then the IRS office shut down due to COVID. So he wanted to see if it arrived yet at the mailbox. He also takes the dog to the vet's urgent care on his way. They didn't have any regular openings available until the end of the year, and the dog seemed to be getting worse. I give TJ $40 to mail a gift package to a friend in France and also reiterate that I'll cover the vet bill when he gets it.
4:30pm I pay some bills, my favorite activity (not)! Sewer bill: $59.44 (billed every 2 months). Geico bill: $459.60 billed every 6 months. Then I follow up with my mortgage officer over email. I had sent her some documents for a refinance quote last week, but haven't heard back. Rates keep dropping, so I'm told, but what does that really mean? I do some research on realestate.
5pm TJ messages me and says he'll be back for dinner. I ask him to pick up some Popeyes via drive thru since we both don't feel like cooking today. Popeyes is currently our fancy “going out to eat” food. $24.17 for a 4pc dinner meal and a 2pc dinner meal.
Daily total: $583.21
Friday
8:30am Busy morning at work. My phone is buzzing with emails and Slack messages. I try to answer them while I make tea.
10am Zoom Department happy hour. We reminisce about our director and then play those Jackbox party games. Some of them are hard!
11am TJ asks if he can make me anything for lunch. He suggests savory oatmeal, quick and easy. I tell him that I really appreciate him making meals/doing chores/etc without me prompting. We've been having conversations about "house project management" and mental load because I did most of the chores or I had to continually remind/tell him to do it. I'm really happy to see us progress on this front. I decide to work through my lunch break so I can end the day early. I don't often do that, but I'm ready to get the weekend started.
2pm I check on TJ in the spare bedroom and ask if the dog has been fed yet, since he was nipping at my feet. I notice something off about TJ and ask how he is doing. TJ is depressed about his personal life, career, finances. He doesn't know what to do, spends half the day meditating and reflecting on past trauma. I've been prodding him to get a therapist but he is confused about his insurance. He makes an appointment with a primary care doctor first. I feed the dog some homemade dog-friendly beef stew.
4pm My mom swings by the house (but doesn't enter). She currently works at a school who distributes free USDA food boxes since March. There's often many boxes leftover that would go to waste, so she will grab a box for us. Onions, potatoes, beets, turnips, eggs, cheese, butter, frozen veggies and frozen chicken. She also brought her vintage pasta maker. I asked last week if she ever used it these days and her reply was “no, feel free to have it”. I love pasta and noodles and figure it would be great to make it ourselves as a frugal hobby.
8pm We catch up on Mandalorian and watch silly Youtube videos before heading off to bed.
Daily total: $0
Saturday
9am I open up my web browser and look at Craigslist and NextDoor for free stuff. I've been scouring for free landscape rocks, pegboards, and wood for house projects. I had this grand ambition to redesign our backyard. It faces our neighbor and currently the fence is pretty low. They can see into our kitchen and bedroom and we can see them. But y'know, COVID and going from dual income house to single income means it all has to be put on hold. So I've been looking for free items in the meantime. Over the past months, I've gotten planter pots, plant cuttings, a raised bed, stepping stones, all from free listings. I don't see anything worthwhile so I go and make some tea.
11am I look at Amazon and make some purchases for Reddit Secret Santa. A foodie kit, DVD of their favorite movie, and some cute pens for their writing hobby. $54. I hope they like it!
12pm TJ heats up leftover stir-fry for lunch for us. I put on some Binging with Babish and we watch how to make pasta. We have a plan - TJ makes the pasta, I make the sauce. Perfect date night activity at home. We watch some more videos on pasta and noodles to educate ourselves.
4pm I start prepping veggies. Big batch of onions, canned tomatoes, ground beef and butter in the instant pot. Meanwhile, TJ works on the pasta by following Babish's instructions.
7pm We gorge on fresh made pasta and bolognese sauce. It's so good! We end up watching Fargo.
11pm Usually I'll be in bed by now, but it's a Saturday and not tired yet (probably because of all that pasta). We play some Kirby's Dream Course on the Switch.
Daily total: $54
Sunday
10am Quick walk around the neighborhood with the dog. He's on a new routine now with the medicine he's taking. It seems to be helping his breathing issues.
11am The pasta maker and flour is still out since we didn't clean up yesterday. There's some old pie crust in the fridge so I roll it out with the pasta machine for mini quiches. (Sally's Baking Addiction blog is my go-to place for her all-butter crust and quiche recipes btw). TJ helps by mixing up the eggs.
3pm I play some Genshin Impact (GI) on my phone while TJ plays Starcraft in the office. I don't usually play gacha games, but the Zelda BotW-style of GI appealed to me. A gacha game is a game with randomized characteitem boxes that you use real-money to purchase a “pull” or to spin the wheel. I know the gacha parts of the game can be a real money sink if you get addicted to them, it’s almost like gambling. My main team is Fischl, Bennett, Barbara and Noelle. I level up to AR 22 and look up free-to-play tutorials for the game.
6pm There's some leftover pasta from yesterday, enough for both of us. I throw in some roasted beets to round out the meal. We watch more Fargo while eating. Almost done with Season 3!
10pm I find a tour operator who offers a small, socially-distant snowshoeing tour up on the mountain. I reserve for two people - this will be TJ's Christmas/birthday gift. $75. Off to bed for another workday.
Daily total: $75
Weekly Total: $689.79

• Food + Drink: $41.17
• Fun / Entertainment: $75
• Home + Health: $59.44
• Clothes + Beauty: $0
• Transport: $459.60
• Other: $54.00

Section Five: Reflections
Aside from the car insurance bill, this was a typical week for me, COVID or not. We make the majority of our meals at home and usually splurge on drive-thru/delivery once every other week. I may have overspent on the Secret Santa gift, but I don't often give gifts out to friends. It's not something our family does either. For TJ’s Christmas/birthday gift, we usually talk upfront about costs. I’ve gifted him fancy restaurant experiences the past 2 years, since we can share that experience, but obviously can’t do that now. Snowshoeing is a nice change of pace.
The conversations with TJ this week have given me thought on how to approach him differently about finances and working together in a relationship. I’m still unsure about the future financially, particularly as my parents near retirement age and that TJ has pulled out his 401k to pay his debts. I don't know if I can support both my parents and TJ together, so I am finding ways to upskill and/or side hustles without becoming a workaholic or bogged down by stress.
Writing this money diary was also the first time where I really paid attention to my past income and current income. I might be contributing too much into ESPP that could go towards the 401k or mortgage instead? I also seem to have been underpaid for what I did in past jobs, even in a LCOL area.

1. There's a spot on the dining room's wall that's always moldy in spring. Probably because the apartment faces the sea. Though it's not really too close to it. The molds just keep coming back the next day after being removed. Somehow it just reminds me of a documentary I watched on Netflix weeks ago, Dancing With The Birds. The birds in the documentary all tried, day after day, to find someone. They just don't give up. Just as resilient as the moldy spot on the wall. I wanted to see if you are here.
   
2. I once got an internship at a company in a neighborhood I am not familiar with. I asked a friend of mine, who did an internship there the year before, about where I should avoid and things like that. Then she was like, "My boyfriend took care of everything for me. I think he um...." I asked my next door neighbor the same question because he got an internship in the same neighborhood I did. The first thing he said was, "If you can't figure things out on your own I don't think you should do an internship at all." For some reason the conversations I had with them still strikes me even until this day. People rarely care. People rarely understand. Even rarer to have someone who both cares about and understands you. Most people don't give a shit about the fact that you are in a bad spot. Some people might say, "Oh man I am sorry that you are in such a bad spot." A few people might pause whatever they are doing and offer you some help. Only one person, or maybe two or three, won't go until they get you out of the bad spot. I would like to be that person for my SO.
   
3. I just started watching Fargo. The second season. I looked up the cast of the show before I started watching it. Kristen Dunst is in it. When I was younger I heard people making fun of Dunst's teeth. I felt really bad for her. In an interview she did in 2019 she told the reporter that she was asked by some producers to have her teeth fixed, but she refused. Though she probably had dental work done at some point because her teeth do not look the same as before. I wondered what would have happened if she never had it done. And why can't we even accept an actress with "imperfect" teeth. David Bowie also had crooked teeth which he later fixed. I have heard many people claiming that his teeth did not bother them. I wondered if they would have said the same if it is just some random person with crooked teeth. I would be sad if their logic went like, the more talented a person is, the more crooked their teeth I could accept. My friend had a car accident in London some years ago and that messed something up. I am sure some men would have chosen to leave but hers did not. Her husband did not tell her to fix anything. A side note, fixing and repairing, in a relationship, are some essential skills. I do not want to be with someone who constantly thinks about jumping ship. Though we all know that some mistakes are simply beyond repair. "Would it be so bad if I slept with this girl, only once, behind my wife's back?" Yes, it would be over. I would like to find someone who not just likes the beginning of things but also the things after that. Someone who I could share both the best and the worst years of my life with. And, you know, someone to watch Fargo with.
   

What I am looking for -
Short version (there is a long version, with explanation, follows) -
A single, monogamous, adult (stop asking me for an age range. If you can get married without your parents’ approval, you are welcomed to message me) man who is looking for a lifelong relationship, has time to be in a committed relationship, will become my best friend, is in shape/ not too out of shape, is reasonably healthy, is mentally healthy and stable/ mentally unhealthy and unstable but has been monitoring the progress, mentally available, is a meat eater, is a non smoke rarely smoke, is a non drinke social drinker, is a non drug addict (weed is fine), is a non gambling addict, is a non porn addict, is a virgin/ non virgin but was always responsible to their exes (always wore condoms and never had STDs), is okay with no cohabitation, is okay with no premarital sex, is not into anything kinky, wants kids (biological kids/ adopted kids), is okay with your spouse not taking birth control pills, is okay with your spouse not wearing an IUD, is debt free/ with justifiable debt, is religious/ non religious, is eligible to apply for a passport (and meet each other)
If you do not agree with everything I said above then we are not compatible. “I agreed with most of the things you said.” What does that even mean? I have had enough messages telling me that they do not entirely agree with what I said but would like to see where things go. The answer is nowhere. I do not have time nor do I want to build a castle on sand. I also have had enough messages telling me to reconsider things. I won't.
What I like -
Sun
Snow
Trees
Woodworking
Agriculture
Plants
Good food
Hot food
Hot soup
Warm words
Laughing
Wool yarn
Wool clothing
Names with stories, say like, street names
Dining wares
Trains
Photography
Old stories - old movies and shows
Good stories - movies, shows and documentaries, books, music with good lyrics
Good arts
Thrift stores
Flea markets
What I am looking for - Long version -
A strictly monogamous relationship that is happy, healthy, supportive, and lasts forever. I am not looking for dick pictures, chat buddies, dirty chat buddies, hookups, love affairs, friends, friends with benefits, sugar daddies, sugar uncles, sugar sons, rebound dating, short-term dating, several years dating, polyamorous, open, or online-only relationships.
Communication - I would make time to talk to my SO every day, and very much prefer so, even just to hear that they are safe and sound. But I would be understanding if they are out in Antarctica and the satellite Internet at the work station does not always work properly, or something like that. I would like to deal with all the hardships in life together as a team. Having arguments in a relationship is somewhat unavoidable. I like straightening things out, right away, in a logical, non violent, and non abusive way. I apologize when I make mistakes. Giving silent treatment is really not my thing. I am not saying that I do not have a temper. I do. I do get angry, but within reason. Keeping promises and being punctual are important to me. I always say “Gotta go” when I need to end a conversation.
Mental health - The amount of toxicity I could take is arguably higher than average, but please alert me if you are struggling mentally. On a side note, I hope you do not like watching porn. It is a poor choice, and is both physically and psychologically damaging. I am not asking everyone of you to agree with me on this, or any other things I say in this post. Whatever floats your boat, strangers; just let me have the freedom to find whatever I am looking for.
Distance - I am not looking for an online marriage. Future faking is a fucked up thing to do to another person. If you need nude pictures, phone sex or Skype sex to make a long distance relationship works, I am not the person you are looking for.
Meeting for the first time - I have given this a lot of thoughts, still I do not really know when and where would be good to meet up. We could meet either before we go into a relationship or after. It would probably be fairer for us to fly to a foreign place to meet, it means we would have to trust each other enough to do that. In that case it would make more sense to meet after the relationship has already been established. Also we would have to deal with this whole “OMG covid is deadly!” thing. I think it is doable to fall for someone just by talking. Though I am aware that people are often not who they claimed they are. Those who say they are loyal could be experienced cheaters. But we will see. When in doubt, I ask questions.
Marriage - I have never been married but I would like to get married. The last thing I want is a divorce. The word marriage has sort of become a dirty word now but I am old fashioned. I like relationship labels, and I hope you are the same. A side note, I'm not into having a big wedding. Or a diamond ring. Or to dress fancy for a pre-wedding shoot. The National Gallery of Art has three self portraits of a Hungarian photographer and his wife. I would like to have a wedding like theirs. Which means I would just like to hang out with my SO somewhere, take some pictures ourselves, and call it a wedding. If you never had a proper family, fear not, we would have one on our own. However, having a toxic childhood should not be an excuse for exhibiting toxic behaviors. I would never set myself on fire to keep you warm. It would not help.
Sex - It would be too intimidating if you have had unsafe sex, a lot of sex, or many sexual partners in the past. And I do not want to be intimidated. Don’t give me that classic “oral sex/ cyber sex is not really sex” BS. Premarital sex is off the table. People make fun of those who have never had sex, which I do not get. I do not have a past, and would strongly prefer someone who also does not. It seems fairer that way, and in that way I would not have to grieve over your past. But, then again, grieving is a part of life. It is alright if you are not a virgin, just do not lie. I do not really have a sex drive. Mentally speaking, I would be okay if you never wanted to have sex, I would also be okay if you wanted to have a lot of sex. Because I do not specifically crave for sex; I crave for love. In other word, I count all types of affection as a whole, and sex does not specifically stand out from all the rest. Physically speaking, I would not be compatible with those who have a high sex drive, as I think overindulgence in sex is destructive. I am not really a robot, and so daily sex sounds off putting as fuck to me. I would not be compatible with those who are into kinky sex/ filming sex tapes, also. There is nothing wrong with those, they are just not my thing. I think having boundaries in bed does not mean I do not love them, or love them less than those who have no boundaries. I would never take birth control pills/ wear an IUD, because they have many side effects that I do not want to deal with. Respect my choices.
Kids - I do not have kids. But I would like to raise kids. Ask yourself, honestly, if you are mature enough, and ready to be a father. "But I am not ready, just yet; there are things I want to achieve before I become a father." Find someone younger, then. I would like to add that I have no reason to doubt my fertility as I take reasonably good care of myself. I have no, and never had any, chronic diseases or illnesses. Am at a healthy weight, somewhat slim even. 5 feet 7 inches tall. In the event that I was infertile, surrogacy would not be an option. It goes against my morals. So, again, think twice. I would like to raise adopted kids, and treat them like they are my biological kids. I would not dump my husband if, he was found to be infertile at any point of the marriage. Technically I would be okay if you do not want to raise kids at all, but providing a home for some orphans is something I could do, and I do not want to pass that on.
Living together - I have always, and still am against the idea of living together before marriage. There is nothing wrong with cohabitation, it is just again not my thing. I would gladly introduce my roommate when I was in school to you if you are worried that I have some weird quirks. I might or might not bribe her before I introduce her to you.
Living with parents - Sure, I would not think less of you. There are reasons why people choose to live with their parents.
Cars - I do not care whether you have a car or not.
Money - I am not rich, and was not born rich, but I have no debts. Never had debts. I am aware that some debts are justifiable, like student loan. I worked in the academia. I just started doing something new, related to my field of study, and that makes me happy. Whether you are a postdoc, or a high school drop out, makes no difference to me. For those who think that throwing me a sentence like “I am a lawyer” would be enough to make me talk, have some self respect. I am fine with my Reddit inbox collects only dust.
Religion - I suppose I have always been mostly an agnostic. My parents sent me to a Christian middle school, then a Christian high school. It would be great if you are a God believer and do not mind me being a non religious person. We could read Bible together. It would also be great if you are a non religious person but follow traditional values.
Smoking, drinking and doing drugs - I do not smoke cigarettes. Or vape. Or whatever. I do not do soft/ hard drugs. Have no past addictions. I do not take over-the-counter drugs even. I do not drink alcohol. If you drink responsibly, then I do not have a problem with that.
Dietary choices - I am an omnivore. Have no food allergies. Please be a meat eater. I do not want to get into an argument with you over a tuna egg sandwich I make for our kids. I would not raise my kids vegan. They should be able to make their own choices when they are old enough. I like cooking quite a bit. Would learn to cook all your favorite dishes.
Pets - I do not have any pets.
Gaming - I do not gamble. I have never played any video or computer games. Game soundtracks though I do often pay attention to.
Tattoos - Sure, why not?
Earrings - Why not? I would buy you earrings.
Long hair - Why not? I would braid your hair when you are asleep, though.
Politics - I am against communism, and totalitarianism. Trump 2020. Please read my reddit history. I pretty much stopped using this account altogether, except posting on Foreveralonedating, because this account has 33 male followers, and that is creepy, and makes me feel very uncomfortable. But my reddit history should give you a hint on what kind of a person I am. (Update: 68 followers now, which shows you how disgusting and creepy some, if not most, men on this site are.)
P.S. This is Reddit, a wonderful yet utterly dangerous place, strangers. Especially for women. So many people prey on the weak. Even scammers would spend an hour writing and tell you that “you are everything I have been looking for since forever”. I laughed out loud at “I would relocate for you but it depends on where exactly you are” messages. “I am 100% (insert a race here), and I couldn’t aim to have kids with a wife who isn’t (insert a race here).” messages are laughable. Don’t bother, kiddos. The only time I accept people bringing up the skin color thing is when it concerns our adopted kids, if you understand what I mean. Canned messages are easy to spot, because I am smarter than you imagined. There were people who messaged me from throwaway accounts, which I noticed later filled with porn posts. Accounts with no post history are fishy. Anyhow at some point let's do a photo verification. Maybe we could take a selfie while holding a piece of paper with something like "Today's February 33 1920" written on it. Thank you all for sending me a selfie right off the bat. But I do not trust you enough to click on it. Also please do not ask me to talk to you over the phone/ do a video chat with you right off the bat. If you absolutely do not know what to write, check out "pinned post II", there's a list of 30 questions. I talk to one person, if even there was one, at a time.
TL;DR - I am a non religious person who holds traditional values and beliefs, which for obvious reasons give me a hard time these days. If you see this post, message me, no matter when.